Draconic Shenanigans Episode 5

 Well having just managed to finish one chapter, we promptly had the next gaming session that evening so here we are again but I'm not sure the characters know which road they are supposed to be going down.

Chapter Five: Close Encounters of a Draconic Kind

"Calypso," Jeremiah instructed his new 'dog', "You are to follow mister Thorian here around and do what he says Ok?" The dog stared at Jeremiah for a long minute, shook itself and snorted before turning and trotting over to Thorian's legs.

"There you go Thorian," Jeremiah smiled, "You wanted to have a dog, now you have one. Just don't squeeze him too hard."

"You're giving me your dog?" Thorian frowned.

"Absolutely," Jeremiah smiled, "No need to thank me now though, I'm sure I'll think of some way you can say thank you later on. What do you say?"

"Oh he's lovely!" Thorian dropped to one knee, making a huge fuss of his new pet, "Who's a good dog then? Who's a good dog?"

Ulrich looked on and slowly shook his head.

"That just isn't natural," he observed.

"You're talking about a guy who's favorite childhood game was to out run dire wolves," if Kaelin had worn glasses she'd have been looking over them at Ulrich.

"Good point," he noted, "Any way folks, shall we be heading on?"

"Okay dokey," Thorian was was still beaming as he stood and called Calypso to heel, "On to adventure and glory!"

"We few, we lucky few," Ulrich muttered.

"We band of buggered," Kaelin said again. The companions pushed on deeper into the forest but after a while they found that they were no longer having to push their way through branches and underbrush to make head way. The foliage became sickly and limp, only to fade out all together and they found themselves walking through the bleached boned pillars of long dead timbers, the ground below turning into a thick black surface that lacked the luster of healthy loam. This was not black country soil that would feed a nation for years on end, this was somehow wrong, a suggestion of clinging slime more than soil.

"Now I know why this place is called the Dead Swamp," Ulrich looked with distaste at what was stuck to his shoe and bumped into Kaelin. She'd stopped dead, one fist raised and she silently pointed to a gap between the dead trees ahead of them.

The things that coiled there were long and low and had many, many, many legs. Their mandibles scissored and sheared through the air. Ulrich nodded silently and together they started stepping back, one foot at a time...

"What's going on?" Thorian's voice shook through the air like a horn in the silence, "Why you walking backwards? We're supposed to be going forwards." Large, multifaceted eyes blinked as armour plated heads swung towards them. Thorian saw the rippled plates of horror in the same moment.

"It's Thorian time!" his gleeful bellow echoed round the swamp, his great sword swinging through the air with wild abandon.

"Oh great!" Kaelin rolled her eyes and then her jaw bones crunched as they extended. Thorian crashed into the first of the giant centipedes and his sheer bulk forced it back, it form bending in unnatural ways to absorb the impact. Jeremiah drew himself up, chanting words that whipped the shadows to a frenzy and then... the shadows coiled in on themselves and detonated in  soundless explosion of fragments. Jeremiah, stood mouth open slightly and blinked, one hand raised in a pose that would have been intimidating if it wasn't for the idiot look of surprise on his face. Ulrich's blades were already bouncing off the shell of one of the centipedes. It turned towards him, mandibles scissoring inches from his face and received Kaelin's attack like a full broadside. Kaelin's teeth snapped closed on its face just above its clicking mouth parts and things went pop in yellow sprays of viscera, then she wrenched her head backwards and force of it lashed through the entire front half of the centipede, segments pulling apart, splitting connective tissue and shredding its skull.

Despite the sight of Thorian's heavy blade chopping the centipede in front of him into diced bug, the last centipede charged towards him, only to collide with its surviving mate. The affront insect turned on its companion and battered it with several pairs of front legs.

Jeremiah stood beside the confused Calypso and laughed until he shock like the price winning jelly of a country fair at the sight to the two oversized crawlies smacking ineffectually at each other in a moment of peek. His merriment only seemed to increase as the bugs' distraction with other resulted in both of them being turned into chopped shelly by Thorian and Ulrich's blades. As he calmed down he noticed something. Pulling back his sleeve he unwound the bandage swaddling his forearm. The wound dealt by Hartseer was shrinking and fading, a fine white scar taking its place. Quietly he breathed a prayer of thanks to his God, wondering what bit of chaos he had caused that his God approved of.  Thorian cleaned his oversized sword and then called Calypso to his side. After a moment, Jeremiah nodded. The orc crossbreed would do foolish and dangerous things, things that would attract trouble to his team mates, to protect his dog. Jeremiah smiled; it was strange how rarely people recognized a poisoned chalice when you gave it to them.

"Either the Captain's friend is having trouble of his own or he really doesn't like visitors," Kaelin noted as she chewed on a centipede's leg, crunching through the hard shell like a bird prying open a crab's leg.

"It doesn't bode well for us if its the latter," Ulrich noted as he cleaned his swords.

"It could be the former," Jeremiah tugged his beard as he sombred, "And it could be you are right, Ulrich, with this thing in the lake being tied to the trouble at Nether Wallop. Other than the bandits we faced, and one of them was carrying a sword from that place, all the creatures that have attacked on this journey have been creatures that live in the Underworld."

"The Underworld?" Kaelin looked up as she started chewing on another bug leg.

"A series of caves, caverns, tunnels and voids in the bedrock of the world itself," Jeremiah explained, "Think of it as a parallel world to ours."

"Sounds like a fun place to visit," Thorian said as he tried to feed Calypso some centipede but the zombied dog wasn't interested.

"Not really," Jeremiah observed, "Not unless you like the idea of never being able to go to bed in a dark room ever again. Let's put it this way, one of the reasons dwarfs don't like your kind is that your ancestors original came from that place and the dwarfs don't forget that you first fathers literately cut their way through the dwarfs to get out of the Underworld."

"Oh," Thorian's ears drooped, "That rather explains a lot."

"So things from this Underworld place are coming up topside," Kaelin observed, wiping her hands on the front of her shirt, "Guess they've decided they want a piece of the sun."

"That's the point, they shouldn't be," Jeremiah frowned, "They don't like the sun and we don't like their eternal night. I'm not saying that there hasn't been raids in the past because there has been, but nothing on a scale like this."

"So what?" she asked, "It's not our problem. Our job is to get to this Nether Wallop, sort out the problem there and then we're free to go our separate ways so let's get on and get this done."

"Sounds like a plan to me," Thorian grinned and straightened up, "Let's get going. Come on Calypso, follow me."

As they pushed on, Kaelin's ears began to twitch.

"Can you hear that?" she asked.

"Here what?" Thorian shrugged, "I can hear you asking questions, I can hear our footsteps, I can hear the wind, I can hear..."

"No," Kaelin held up a hand, "Not all that nonsense, that!" She pointed into the dead stands of wood.

"What?" Thorian asked again, "I can see the sky, its rather cloudy, I can see the dead trees, I can see..."

"I see the goblins charging us again," Ulrich's swords jumped to his hands.

"Oh lovely jubbly!" Thorian unlimbered his sword and swept a few practice swings to loosen up his arm.

"That's not all I see!" Jeremiah yelled, "They're not charging us, they're running from that!" His finger stabbed towards the bright orange, flat jawed dragon larger than a cart horse charging after the goblins running towards them.

"GET OUT OF OUR SWAMP!" the roar shook the dead trees until they rattled. Even as the dragon bounded forward it was sucking in its breath. The jaws opened, the glow inside rose... The dragon stumbled, tripped, a sound that was half way between a belch and a sneeze erupted from its jaws and a globular gout of... something splashed down into a pool of water so murky the King's Special hadn't even realized that it wasn't slimy mud. It hissed and spat and glowed and...

"Duck!" Jeremiah roared and grabbed Kaelin, flinging them both down. Ulrich smacked down into the goo with a groan, Thorian only just making it down before...

The pool erupted with a detonation that stomped on the party like the foot of an angry God but the wash of heat and flying debris churned up from the bottom of the pond rolled over them, merely splattering them with mud, the still standing goblins were not so fortunate. Engulfed in the chemical explosion half of them just ceased to be. The other half screamed almost as a single entity and started fleeing away from the source of the explosion, scrambling over a rise in the ground and disappearing into the distance still yelping and yipping.

The dragon coughed and spluttered, thumping herself on the chest, hacking and choking until something shifted in her throat and she spat a lump of something on to the floor, something that started steaming after a moment and then ignited with a cheerful little flame that spluttered and popped.  While she was doing so Jeremiah scrambled to his feet and pulled his companions to their feet, muttering as he did so.

"Put your weapons away right now," he said, "Don't do anything aggressive, don't be impolite and what ever you do, don't try and challenge her. She is one of the most dangerous dragon types in existence and even if we could kill her there is the very great chance that her body would explode in our faces the moment she stopped breathing."

"Why would it do that?" Thorian scratched his head, "Dead things don't usually go bang." Jeremiah just looked at him for a moment before he could bring himself to explain.

"She just breathed up a lump of something that turned that pool of water into a bomb," he managed to speak levelly, "If her internal processes go wrong then the same thing will most likely happen inside of her. You can't get much more wrong than death as far as living internal processes go."

"Oh," Thorian said and then paused, "I think I get it, I think." To Jeremiah's relief Thorian put his sword back in its scabbard and so did Ulrich. He turned to where the dragon now stood, watching them with interested eyes.

"Sorry about that," she said as she started forward, "I swear that doesn't usually happen."

"You have absolutely nothing to apologize for your majesty," Jeremiah smiled warmly and performed a very fancy bow, "We, your humble servants, are overwhelmed by your willingness to save such undeserving creatures such as ourselves."

"Your Majesty?" the dragon preened, lowering her eyelid coquettishly, "Oh you are such a flatterer. Nobody has ever called me Majesty before. Big sister, yes, she gets to be 'your Majesty' but I'm... oh well, never mind that. She's not here and you're so charming. Maybe I should keep you all to myself."

"Um," Jeremiah flushed bright red, "I... I'm afraid that I am under an oath not to get involved in anything of that nature."

"Oh I'm sure that I could make it more than... blissful," she snaked towards him, her bright orange scales almost blinding, arching her head back over her shoulders, a move that thrust her keeled breastbone forward.

"I... um..." Jeremiah was shining himself and his eyes darted about, desperately seeking an escape route.

"We're afraid that our Lord, the King, would be terribly unset if you prolonged such an important and integral part of our team." Ulrich stepped forward and laid a protective hand on Jeremiah's shoulder.

"Your team? You're a team?" she looked from one to the other and then her whole body drooped, her glow decreasing, "You're a King's Special, aren't you? Oh bother! He is such a spoil sport!" She heaved a huge sigh.

"I'm sorry, my dear, but for such small creatures such as ourselves, duty really is everything," Jeremiah apologized with another bow. She sighed again.

"I understand," she said, "No really, I understand, my people know our duty as well. One must serve Grandmother. Still it would have been nice to, I am so curious about... well never mind." She perked up suddenly, "After all, these always the future." She smiled at Jeremiah, who looked just about ready to bolt. "So if you're a King's Special what brings you here? I didn't think the messenger would make it through so soon and I was under the impression that the  King was more than satisfied with our progress."

"We were looking for a... wizard who moved here in the last few years," Jeremiah said slowly obviously trying to make sure that he didn't say anything that could be misconstrued.

"Wizard? Wizard?" she mused, scratching her muzzle with a long claw, "No I don't know of any wizard. There is Elisha the Mastersmith and he could be the man you mean."

"Ah that could be a problem," Jeremiah admitted, "You see, we were sent to find a magic user who could help us get across the lake as there is a great deal of trouble with that at the moment."

"Oh he uses magic for sure," the dragon laughed, "Just not like you mean. Some wizards even consider his kind to be a source of spell components, how disgusting is that? Seriously, sometimes you bipeds really are preverse. Across the lake though, I'm not sure what he could do... Might be best if you talk with him, I'm more than likely to mess something like this up."

"Could you show us the way my dear?" Jeremiah said, "I'm afraid we really aren't familiar with your territory and the directions we were given were really rather vague."

"Now that I can certainly do, it will give me a good excuse to spend more time in your fascinating company," she turned and started padding away into the dead forest but Jeremiah hesitated. "Come along duckie, you can walk beside me you know, I'll only bite if you ask real nice." Jeremiah closed his eyes and whimpered under his breath but stepped out after their unmissable guide, gaining from her that her name was Amelia Rainan.  Following behind them Kaelin suddenly batted Ulrich's arm with the back of her hand and when he glanced at her she pointed silently at the floor. Pacing over the rises and falls of what should have been a lush forest the orange dragon was leaving footprints of green. Where ever she walked the hollows of her foot falls were sprouting fresh, young spring grass. Looking back, Kaelin and Ulrich could see a trail of green patches stretching off into the distance.

"I think I can guess what our guide meant by progress," Ulrich said quietly, "My guess would be that she and this Elisha are meant to reforesting this place and bringing it back to health." Kaelin nodded, turned back to follow said guide and froze. Amelia and Jeremiah had come to a stop and over the top of the ridge they had been climbing a very strange sight greeted them. A tall, willow elf was riding through the Dead Swamp but what he was riding was not a horse, instead it was a truly enormous lizard, its long forked tongue flicking in and out of its mouth as it swaggered forward and the elf in question was not the usual pale skinned sort but rather a dusky charcoal grey. Swaggering beside him was a tall, brawny older... being who might once have been a man but now...  Now he looked as if he had been blended with a wolf of the very worst sort, his eyes a shiny red in their sockets, his lips constantly rippling back from his fangs. Round them others of his kind, though slightly smaller than him, walked until one of them spotted the companions and stopped.

"Concern yourself not," the Elf was saying, "You will have what you want once we have what we want." Then he spotted what had arrested the attention of the werewolf pack. "Ah," he grinned, "Sport."  He drew a long sword of the same type as Ulrich had looted off of the dead bandit. It was a mistake.

"It's Thorian time!" the orc crossbreed bellowed and the werewolf in front of him went down like a nine pin. Even as the rest of the pack drew breath to howl their counter challenges Amelia got in first. This time her roar was true and a jet of metallic grey sludge struck not only the two werewolves in front of her but also the elf up on his mount. Even as Kaelin closed with the werewolf on the left of the line of destruction her nose burned with the salty stink of it. Jeremiah barked a set of burning words and a werewolf was reduced to a howling, whimpering pile of burnt fur as the black shadows of embers engulfed him. The elf span his mount and bolted off into the forest, mercilessly whipping his mount.

The werewolf alpha leapt nearly straight up into a tree's skeleton, proving that werewolf packs were a perversion of a real pack as he abandoned two of his pack mates to the edge of Thorian's sword. He didn't even flinch as Thorian's blow sank said sword dead into the heart wood of the tree, making the whole thing shake below him. Instead he just watched were Kaelin managed to bring down her enemy and made sure he wasn't going to get back up again.

The whole scene was suddenly bathed in a lured light as the metallic sludge ignited with a noise like 'wooph'.  The two werewolves coated in it choked on flames as they tried to scream and then their corpses cracked, bending into unnatural posses as the flames twisted their muscles but mercifully they were still. In the distance, they could hear the screams that denoted that the elf was in the same trouble as the werewolves but Kaelin only had eyes for the elder were he crouched in the tree. He pointed a steely claw.

"Grandpa wants words with you, young 'un," his voice was all base growls and snarls. Kaelin shivered and couldn't keep it hidden but she wasn't sure he saw as he was already bounding away through the trees. Thorian yanked and wrenched at his sword until it came free.

"Who was that fancy pants?" he asked everyone and no one at once.

"I'm not sure," Amelia admitted, "I've never seen his sort before." She started following the trail of burn marks where the drips of sludge had ignited and flared.  When they found him the elf was most definitely dead, reduced to a mere smear of ashes. His mount was also crumpled, the fire having scorched through its spine.  Amelia nosed it over.

"Like nothing I've seen before," she admitted, "There was something similar in shape on one of the islands but not this big. Good eating on that. Er, do any of you want it?"

"No," Jeremiah said, "Carry on."

"Don't mind if I do," she beamed and separated one of its haunches from the rest of the corpse with a neat flick and twist of her head. "Not bad," she observed as she chewed, "Could do with some more salt though."

"That wasn't what I meant," Jeremiah said in the tones of the long suffering but quietly, quietly so that he didn't attract her attention, then he drew himself and concentrated.

"Oh for pity's sake," Ulrich snapped as the power thread shadows tangled and writhed through the air, "Do you have to try and collect one from every single fight we have? You're almost as bad as a dragon, if you'll pardon me Ma'am."

"What?" Amelia looked up from her lunch and blinked at the sight of the battered, spine broken, three legged lizard pulling itself slowly to its feet. She blinked some more, "That is not something you see every day of the week," she admitted. Jeremiah suddenly realized that he might have done something not so sensible. The other thing he realized was that they were being watched.

The lady on sat on the back of another of the giant lizards, its tongue tasting the air as it stared at them. She was also of the elvish persuasion but again she had the ashy grey coloring that had marked the elf that had been talking with the werewolves, as were the heavily armed elves standing on foot around her. She gazed down her shapely nose at them all.

"My Lady," the one standing nearest her stirrup said, "They have killed Lord Deslin, shall we punish them?" The tensed hands on weapons showed exactly how that punishment would play out.

"No," her voice was steel and ice forged into something as deadly as it was cold, "Deslin was weak, we do not avenge the weak. Let our pets deal with these vermin." She turned her mount's head and her body guard swung round with her. As they moved away, the companions saw the eyes, the many and many eyes, all looking at them, some of them high up in the silk... swaddled...trees.

"Oh no," Kaelin groaned.

Draconic Shenigans Episode 4

 Draconic Shenanigans Episode 4

 Well I was going to get on with this post sooner but life threw me a lemon in the form of my Mother going back into Hospital with a mysterious disease that is making her temperature spike at, so far, 41૦C. So yeah, not sure how to make lemonade out of this one. Still the career must be done and so...

Chapter Four: Shipping From Lotton

 Having eventually decided how to divide up the spoils of their labor, the 'King's Special' made their way back up the main street, taking in the sights as they did so.

"I don't know about you lot but I could seriously do with a clean," Jeremiah observed, gazing with distaste at his besmirched front, "Thankfully the day has been hot enough that all the stains have dried but I really do feel that we might make a better impression on any potential captains if we don't look like we have just been dragged through the pits of a slaughter house."

"Captain?" Thorian was puzzled, "What do we have to do with any captain?"

"Well unless you want to swim across the Great Lake we need a boat," Jeremiah managed to somehow resist the urge to roll his eyes.

"Couldn't be that difficult," Thorian smiled, "I mean how big can it be?"

"Three days sailing across the longest length and two days North to South," Ulrich recited, "The river alone is nearly a mile across at the point where it leaves the lake."

"Well we could always walk," Thorian shrugged.

"Would take at least two weeks," Ulrich replied, "And that is if we don't run into anything more difficult than a wolf pack and the wolf packs around the south side of the lake have a reputation for being extremely large and hype aggressive. Apparently they have no fear of men and there are some areas they will attack people on sight."

"Oh don't be silly, they are just puppies," Thorian grinned, "Ma old man used to wrestle them in the snow for a laugh in the winter. We used to have great fun with them, it was always a game to see who could out run them and get to the trees fast enough to make sure they didn't bite out the seat of your pants. They didn't seem so keen on mam though."

"Ah, you see that might be the problem," Jeremiah said, not wanting to speculate on how Thorian's mam fitted into the picture, "Your people are, mostly, orcs and orcs and wolves have a natural affinity. Humans and wolves however have a natural aggravation towards each other, probably due to all those years of live stock raiding and being attacked in the woods. Humans object to being eaten."

"So do the deer," Kaelin said, "But they don't think they have the right to take everything they want and leave nothing else for everybody else. If humans didn't keep destroying the paths the prey take then we... the wolves I mean, won't have to keep fighting back to get a mouthful of what was rightly theirs. If you destroy someone else's home don't be surprised when they move into yours."

 "That is a surprising open minded view and I would love to talk about it more but I'm afraid that we really must keep to the discussion of whether we are walking to Nether Wallop or trying to find a ship to convey us so we don't run the dangers of walking through the wolves' territories and therefore taking even more than has already been taken," Jeremiah said soothingly, noting that Kaelin had corrected herself, as if she identified more with the wolves but knew that this wasn't a good thing to say.

"Yeah and to make sure that you don't have to actually lose weight on the way. It would be so terrible if you actually had to do some work for a change," Kaelin's snide smirk was back but Jeremiah didn't count that as a proper smile. That and she was being deliberately unkind so Jeremiah decided to grandly ignore her whole comment.

"Seeing as it is getting dark," Ulrich glanced up at the sky, "I suggest that we see if there is an inn this close to the gate and then try the docks in the morning to discover whether the situation there really is as bad as the guard on gate duty made it out to be."

"How about that up there?" Thorian nodded to the sign slightly up the street, which was creaking slightly in the breeze coming of the lake. The flat black board depicted a white figure, white figure that most definitely had four arms, one raised high and sharply pointed.

"The King's Sword," Jeremiah read the name and grumped, "That he most definitely is, judgemental metal stick insect." He glanced over his shoulder to check that no one was listening.

"What?" Thorian asked as they wandered up the street, "The statue thing that was in the King's Study? He seemed alright to me. Least ways he had something that sorted out that awful headache I had this morning. Still don't know why it hurt so much when I woke up this morning."

"You were incredibly drunk last night," Kaelin stated, "Incredibly, unbelievably drunk. I have seen sailors who would have bowed to you out of respect of how drunk you were."

"Oh, so that's what he meant by the hair of the dog," Thorian nodded slowly, "I wondered. Don't know why that happened, never been drunk before."

"Seriously?" Kaelin raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, never been drunk before," Thorian shook his head, "Always wondered what it was like. It was rather fun, though the stairs were in an awfully tricky mood, they kept jumping out of the way. Do you always wake up with a headache like that when your drunk?"

"Inveritably," Kaelin noted as she pushed open the door.

Behind the bar a burly dwarf with arms that looked like he could pick up two pigs at once looked up from the glass he was polishing.

"Your pet can sleep out in the stables," he stated without preamble. The group looked around puzzled, Jeremiah unobtrusively checking that Scuttlebug was out of sight.  Then Thorian sighed.

"Don't worry," he mumbled, "I'm used to it. I'll just be outside."

"My good earth warrior," Jeremiah took hold of Thorian's arm before he could walk back out, "Before our companion heads to the stable would it be possible for all of us to have a bath each and er, our clothes laundered?"

"It bathes?" the dwarf looked like he was going to start cleaning out his ears to make sure he'd hear that right.

"Any chance of hot water?" Thorian asked, more brightly.

"Yes..." the dwarf almost mumbled it into his beard, then he flung the rag down on the bar top, "Can't believe I'm saying this, but he can eat in the bar room with the rest of you, I'll make sure the straw is clean out there and the wifee will see to your clothes. Twelve silver each, food included."

"My most grateful thanks," Jeremiah beamed, "And where would the wash room be?"

"Down the corridor to the back, just leave your clothes out for the wifee to find," the dwarven bar tender stamped passed, muttering something about going soft in the head and forgetting the past.

"There that wasn't so difficult," Jeremiah beamed, watching with satisfaction the dwarf waving his arms about as he stomped over to the stables. Not long later he was soaking in a deep, if narrow bath and thoroughly enjoying it. Scuttlebug, on the other hand, was not. First he was on the floor but flinched every time a splash of water came his way so he scuttled up the wall to camp on the ceiling but then the stream raising from the bath started to condense on his fur, making him shudder and twitch, raining cold droplets down on Jeremiah. Jeremiah sighed and reached across the room to the door handle.

"Go to the stables," he instructed Scuttlebug, "Keep to the ceilings on your way there and once you are in the stables, keep out of sight." Then he opened the door just enough that Scuttlebug was able to squeeze out and away. Jeremiah settled back as much as he could... someone outside screamed.

Jeremiah hauled himself out of the water, wrapped himself in a robe and stuck his head out of the door. A maid was sat amidst a pile of washing, staring at the open back door and whimpering. Jeremiah stepped up to her and crouched at her side.

"Whatever is the matter my dear," he oozed concern.

"Ssssss..." she stuttered, pointing at the back door, "Ssssppp... spy... spy... spider." Her finger wavered in the air as she shook.

"No there's no spider there," Jeremiah patted her hand, "No spiders. I think you were seeing things, my dear."

"Seeing things?" she questioned.

"Yes," Jeremiah smiled as he quietly cast the illusion spell, "Just seeing things."

"Really?" she looked at him, a little hope in her eyes as she looked round at him and then her gaze went to the ceiling beyond his shoulder. She goggled, mouth opening wide but all she managed was a tiny, dry croak. Then her eyes rolled up in her head and she crumpled all the way down.

"I'll have to remember that one," Jeremiah went back to his bath and settled down to enjoy the last of the warmth in the water.

He did not enjoy the state of his robes when they were delivered later to his room. Someone had used too much starch. In fact, someone had used so much starch that the cloth refused to bend in any of the correct ways, squeezing and pinching and nipping him in various, eye watering places.  Some how he managed to leave his rooms, even though he could barely bend his knees or his hips. After a few minutes of swaying down the corridor like an inverted pendulum he discovered the innkeeper's wife as she bustled down the corridor, reeling off a list of jobs she still had to do before she could retire for the night. At least, he presumed that it was the innkeepers wife, as the hair and beard had been carefully washed, brushed, oiled and braided into a complicated series of patterns. There was even a hint of ribbons knotted through the braids and a gold hoop in one ear. A quick inquiry revealed that his presumption was corrected.

"I hate to be a problem," he flinched as he tried to ease the 'clothes' into a more comfortable position and failed utterly, "Especially as you have worked a wonder in lifting the stains out of this but I find myself in some difficulty were it comes to the state of these clothes. They seem to be really rather, ah, stiff."

"Aye sorry aboot that," she said, "Tis the maid Mary yah see. She had a bit of a funny tern in ta corridor. Seems to have put her right off ta step. She's not normally that ham fisted with ta starch." She cast an appraising eye up and down his clothes. "Tell yah wot, seeing as it's our mistake, if yah can put up with them til after dinner, I'll wash um ma'self and do um again, no charge extra. How's that sound?"

"Sounds like you are offering me a miracle," Jeremiah admitted, his eyes watering, "One that I'll more than gladly take."

"Alright then," she nodded, "Just leave them outside the door and I'll see to them later. And I apologize for ma husband's attitude aboot ya green friend. He's a crusty old soul and he had more than a few bad experiences with those people when he was younger. I must say that him letting ya friend in ta eat is a step in the right direction and I think the fact he had a bath just might have jemmied ma husband's mind open a little more so I thank ye for some motion in that direction."

Still swaying like a pendulum that was upside down, Jeremiah made it downstairs, in time to suggest to Thorian that using his set of flat wear might make the evening go more smoothly when it came to a certain dwarf's attitude. After that he just had to worry about Kaelin's ever increasing lack of table manners.

The following morning saw them walking out of 'The King's Sword' Inn more rested than they had been for a couple of days, though Jeremiah seemed to be ignoring Kaelin's comments about a lack of angry mobs with some effort.

"So where are we going first?" Ulrich asked.

"I don't know about you but I didn't get my pie last night," Thorian turned towards a certain pie shop, "I think we should make sure we have lunch packed."

"An excellent idea," Jeremiah beamed, "I have to confess that I have missed eating regularly over the last couple of days." 

"Yeah, it would be such a shame if you didn't look like an overinflated balloon," Kaelin muttered but once again Jeremiah ignored it grandly as they started off down the street.

The smell that greeted them as the door to Dippler's pie shop opened was hot, savory and mouth watering.

"Ah good morning my chums," Dippler greeted as he expertly slide the content of a baking sheet on to the shelves of his veil fronted counter, "I wondered if you'd be calling back today, seeing as you didn't call round in the evening. Your dicker to pony up those ponies took longer than I thought it would, did it?"

"Something like that," Jeremiah admitted, "I have to admit that I'm surprised that you have the first batch ready so soon."

"Ah, location, my dear chummy," Dippler touched his weaselly nose, "Everything in this life is location, don't yeh know? That goes for time as well as place. If I want to bag the breakfast rush then I need to be up and ready for them, pies out of the oven and piping hot. So saying, I'd hop to it, my chummies, the crowd will be along in a moment and they won't like anyone holding me up, they have jobs they have to get to and the night shift will be wanting their bite to eat before they hit the sacks. Don't know the sacks did to them but they'll be wanting to hit them as soon as poss so come on my lovelies, what will it be?"

"What is there on offer?" Jeremiah asked.

"Oh a connoisseur," Dippler grinned, "I should have guessed. Well, there is the ever favorite steak and kidney, just steak (one for keeping the vampires away that one), liver and onions, mince, ham and my new one, bacon and eggs."

"Oh they all sound so good," Jeremiah rubbed his hands.

"Ah, well, if you can't decide I can do you a box set bundle of two of each," Dippler offered with a willy smile.

"How much?" Jeremiah asked so fast that Dippler had almost not finished talking.

"For you, my old chum," Dippler's eyes rolled up as he calculated, "Say five silver."

"Done," Jeremiah had the coins on the counter quick as a flash and Dippler had them off again just as fast. Quick as a wink he had a sheet of some stuff that was not wood but was stiffer than paper on the counter top. A couple of flicks of his wrists had it shaped into a box with a hinged lid and twelve steaming pies were tucked into it. Dippler even tidied it up with a dull colored ribbon.

"There you are my chummy," he grinned, "I normally have more of a variety but since all the fuss down at the docks I just can't seem to get the fish stocks no more.  Now can I do anything for the rest of you before the hordes of gannets descend?"

"Ah there any cheaper ones," Thorian asked hopefully.

"Lucky for you my chum there are - my Marvelous Miscellaneous Pies," Dippler grinned, "Just the ticket for a hungry tum that doesn't have a lot of dough to fill it up with." Another box was flipped into existence and six larger flatter pies where popped into quick as winking. "Two silver ten for you, my old chummy, and the box should help keep them warm if you have a way to go. Now any more for the rest of you before my regulars arrive?"

Kaelin just had time of bag two of the mince pies and Ulrich went for the ham before the shop door clanged open and a crowd of work men filled the shop up to bursting. Dipplers' hands were suddenly a blur, boxes and bags popping into existence, being filled and closed, money clinking away out of sight as Dippler greeted his regulars by name, sometimes not even bothering to ask if they wanted their usual, just bustling as fast as he could go.

"Chap like that could do with an extra set of hands," Ulrich observed as they eventually fought their way out of the shop.

"He rather seems to have it down to a fine art," Jeremiah observed, "And I have a feeling that he'd resent having to share the profits with anyone else."

"Don't know," Kaelin rolled her shoulders to work out the tension of being surrounded by that many people all at once, "Depends what sort of offer you'd make him I think. If you were willing to work as hard as he is for bed and board and kept your mouth shut about where he gets his ingredients, he might be willing to entertain the idea. I might think of looking him up when all this is done and we've earned our freedom. Might be nice to have a roof to sleep under and regular meals."

"I take it that a steady location hasn't been high in your list of experiences," Jeremiah said gently.

"Let's just say some of us learn sooner than others that the Gods can be absolute bastards," Kaelin stepped out ahead of them, leaving the others to quick step in her wake.

As they worked their way into the dock quarter of the city they began to realize that the guard at the gate might not have been exaggerating that much when he said that there was trouble. The were extra-ordinary numbers of sailors on shore and dock workers with heavy tools in hand were guarding the warehouses and glowering at anyone who didn't walk on by quickly enough. Merchants were arguing with landlords, with captains, with guardsmen and with each other. Captains were arguing with guardsmen, with the merchants and with their own crews as they threaded their way through the close packed warehouses and processing houses. Coming closer to the warfs, the noise from taverns that were open much earlier in the day than usual spilled out into the streets as well.

"Well someone is earning more than usual," Ulrich sniffed as he stepped over a sailor snoring in the gutter.

"More than you suppose," Kaelin murmured as she spotted the ragged little urchin scuttling up the alley with the contents of the sailor's pockets clenched in his fists.  The docks were a surprise to them all. They looked like the docks of any seaport on the coast but there was no salt tang on the air and no tide line evident. There was also a distinct lack of the usual smell of rubbish that docks tend to gather. Walking along the keyside, they saw group of sailors longing on barrels and boxes, mostly playing cards.

"Excuse me," Ulrich approached one group, "We're looking for passage across the lake to..."

"Look mister," the sailor who was dealing looked up, "We aren't going until that beasty out there is slain, driven off or otherwise dealt with. Ain't nobody sailing and 'fore you say one bally thing about cowards I've sailed these waters since I was knee high to the tombstone, as my father and grandfather did before me. We've all sailed these waters for more years than you can count but that thing out there is something beyond nature. Until that freak is dealt with, we ain't sailing and the merchants can scream about lost profit, many more cargoes on the lake bed is going to lose them a lot more profit than that."

"Beyond nature you say," Jeremiah stepped forward, an nonthreatening smile on his face, "What do you mean by that?" The sailor's mouth clapped shut and he looked away.

"Come now friends," Jeremiah coaxed, "Surely you know the King's Specials are sent to deal with this sort of thing? Surely you don't expect us to deal with something that we don't know. Come on, please, anything that you have seen could be a great help." The sailor kept his mouth shut.

"White," a voice said from behind them.

"Excuse me," Jeremiah turned. Sat among the boxes behind them a small, skinny gnome crouched turning a good luck charm over and over in his hands.

"White," he repeated, as the charm turned over and over, "It was white. White as ivory, white as bone, white as death. It was white. White."

"That's Cameo," the sailor who had broken ranks to speak with them, sat down with a less thunderous expression on his face. "He's all that's left of our sister ship the Kittiwake. We thought sailing together would give us some sort of protection. Ha, well you see how well that worked out. The moment that thing starts moving in the waters the storms start and then it strikes. The Storm Petrol would have gone down as well if we hadn't turned back the moment we struck the bowsprit of the Kittiwake and pulled Cameo there up on deck. We were the last ones to try it, the docks have been on lock down ever since, nothing in, nothing out."

"Well you see that is going to be a problem," Jeremiah admitted, "Because we really need to make it across the lake to do the job we've been sent to do and it seems to be the only way we'll be able to cleanse the lake of this monstrosity."

The sailor looked like he was chewing on a lemon for a minute.

"The Armored Dragon," he said at last, "If any captain is mad enough to try and make it across the lake he'll be the one."

"The Armored Dragon?" Ulrich frowned, "Is that the ship or the Captain's name?"

"The ship," the sailor rolled his eyes at Ulrich's stupidity, "I heard its berth up at the north end of the docks. Her captain will be near by, he never goes far from his ship these days, him and that big aft bird of his."

"Thank you for your time then," Ulrich gave the sailor a short bow and turned to lead the group up the keyside.

"Hey!" the sailor called, "Good luck, do you hear me?"

"You're welcome," Ulrich smiled more warmly, "And when we get back we'll have to meet up and tell you what happened."

"You do that... if you get back," the sailor actually smiled.

The north end of the docks, revealed a sturdy looking ship, deeper in the draft than many of the other lake ships and with square set sails. She looked out of place amongst the myriad schooners with their triangular fore and aft sails and her figure head stood tall over many of them.

"That's unusual," Ulrich noted gazing at the figure head.

"Would have thought you couldn't ask for a stronger guardian than one of them," Kaelin sniffed.

"You're right there but I meant its wings," Ulrich nodded to the figure head. Kaelin frowned as she looked at the figure head again and then her eyes opened wide. The dragon's head was lifted proudly high, its wings flared back in the stance of about to take flight but instead of the usual bat like membranes, its wings seemed to be made of overlapping sword blades, its every scale echoing the form of sharp and ready edges. At the far end of the wharf a man sat on a barrel at the base of the gang plank, slowly whittling a shape out of a black of wood, the sun shining on the heavy gold rings he wore on his dark fingers. As the party walked up the gangway of wooden planks the head of a bird with a truly enormous beak emerged from the wood.

"Are you the Captain of The Armored Dragon?" Ulrich asked as they approached him.

"That I be," the man looked up at them, his eyes shockingly light grey in the dark face above the steely grey beard but they were not intimidating eyes. Instead they seemed to hope a wisdom that was as deep as the dark ocean and almost as unknowable, "And what can I do for you this fine day?"

"We need a ship to take us across the lake to Nether Wallop," Ulrich sensed that trying to lie to this man would be an exercise in pointlessness.

"Ah, now there's a trouble for you my friends," the captain put down his carving beside him, "And I suppose that you have heard tales of the new beastie that roams this lovely lake and makes passage so expensive at the moment."

"Yes, we had heard something to that effect," Jeremiah admitted, "But we also heard that you were the only captain willing to risk the journey at this moment in time so we concluded that you didn't believe in such nonsense."

"Nonsense you say?" the Captain smiled at them, "And who are you to say it is nonsense? Have you seen a whole ship load of friends pulled below the waves? Have you seen a storm such as I have not seen since my days of sailing the salt water spring out of a clear blue sky? Have you found yourself picking your way through the ruins of many good men and good ships? When you have done that, then you can say it is nonsense and not before."

"So you do believe in this monster," Kaelin stated.

"Believe?" the Captain questioned, "No I do not need to believe, I know. I know what these two eyes of mine have seen and what these two ears have heard and what this whole mind has known. There is something in this lake that should not be here and one has to ask, what is more wrong? The mindless beast maddened with pain and confusion at being forced to some where it has no right to be? Or the ones that have pushed and prodded and goaded it out of its home to where it does not belong? There is a question."

"The other question is whether you will or you won't give us passage across the lake?" Ulrich returned.

"Well said mon amei," the Captain smiled, "And I would give you passage but I am afraid that it would be expensive to buy what I would need to get us back across the water alive, nothing less than three hundred and fifty gold - each. I do know that the guardsmen are desperate for a specialist team at the moment for some quite ugly happenings are going on in the countryside at the moment. They should be paying well."

"Give us a moment please," Ulrich held up a hand, then turned to his companions and drew them into a huddle, "Over three hundred gold is beyond what we are going to be able to earn quickly and I for one am beginning to think that this might be the source of the trouble with Nether Wallop."

 "So unless we sort it," Jeremiah's mouth tightened, "We can expect to be having hard words with the King's sword, so what if we just kill him and take the boat," an unpleasant light appeared in Jeremiah's eyes, "It can't be that that hard to steer a boat."

A laugh startled them all.

"You could, you could, you certainly could," the Captain smiled as he stopped laughing, "But then you would have to be a-killing my crew and what with all that killing and murdering who would be left to be steering her out there on the deep water? 'Cause make no mistake, this might be sweet water but it is deep and dark and cold in there. Who knows what else is living down there other than our new beastie."

"Is it really that hard?" Thorian rubbed the back of his neck, fidgeting uncomfortably.

"Why else would sailors exist if any fool could just stand in a boat and tell it where they wanted it to go?" the Captain asked, "I think your priestly friend doesn't know as much as he thinks he does and he delights in killing a little to much to be a regular sort of priest so I think I'd be needing to ask that you don't feed any of my crew to that darkling god of yours. Come to think of it, you do rather remind me of..."

"Of whom?" Jeremiah asked after a moment.

"Of an old friend of mine," the Captain rubbed his beard for a moment, "In fact he would probably be the best man for this job, him and his little critters. Yes, this situation would be just like old times for him. Tell you what, I will waiver my fee if your good selves will take a jaunt to the Dead Swamp north of here and rouse out an old friend of mine who has taken to living there. He may have just what we need to make it through this journey in one piece. I would go myself now that I've thought of it but my crew has been a-getting of the restlessness while we have been stuck in port so long. If I tootle off now, I'll like as not come back to find no cargo, no crew and maybe even no ship. What say you?"

"Dead Swamp, that sound dangerous," Thorian observed.

"Not as dangerous as it used to be," Ulrich noted, "Don't get me wrong, about ten years ago it was the last place you wanted to be, a right nasty piece of work of a wizard took up residence there and well, that's when it started to die. We're talking the whole central area of the forest and then it started spreading out from there. There are towns round the edge of the forest where the people still haven't return to, the memories of find that everyone there had just laid their tools down and walked off into the forest are too fresh every all these years later."

"Years later?" Thorian asked, "So the wizard is no longer there?"

"No, thank which ever God you believe in," Ulrich confirmed, "If he hadn't been dealt with then we probably wouldn't be standing here as free, well, freeish people, we'd be in there, slaving as mind controlled puppets for the wizard's whims."

"Hum, guess a previous King's Special managed that job," Kaelin folded her arms, gazing out over the lake, listening to the little waves lapping at the dock supports.

"You could be saying that," Ulrich nodded, "A foreigner turned up at the dock of the Capital with a crew for freaks that you could imagine in your worse nightmares and it seemed he made straight for the Dead Swamp. After he went in, the rot stopped spreading and people stopped disappearing and..." he trailed off, staring at the Captain.

"Told you my old friend might be just the man we need for this job," he smiled, "So do we have a deal?"

Kaelin suddenly tensed and swung round.

"North of here?" she asked, "As in North of the river?"

"That would be so," the captain agreed, seeming intrigued by her reaction.

"We are not going there," the statement had no room for discussion.

"Why not?" Thorian frowned.

"We just aren't," Kaelin hugged herself, shivering slightly.

"Kaelin, Kaelin, my dear, what on earth's the matter?" Jeremiah overflowed with concern, "We can't help you if you don't tell us."

Kaelin hugged herself harder, stepping back from them. Ulrich stepped towards her and then stopped as she stepped back even further.

"Kaelin..." he cautioned softly but instead of stopping, Kaelin stepped back again. Her heel came down over the edge of the gangway. Teetering backwards, her arms whirled for a moment and then a strong but gentle hand closed round her arm. She looked round into the Captain's face.

"Running away from the storm more often than not drives you on to the rocks," he said gently as he helped her take a step forward. After another long moment Kaelin swallowed.

"Alright," she said, "We try it."

"Then a bargain we have made," the Captain smiled and turned to his ship, "Lads, ready the long boat, we are taking these good people across the river, then perhaps we can have a proper voyage."  The crew swung into action with a will, obviously glad to have something to do.

The sail across the river was smooth and quick, the Captain's strong hands guiding them with ease. With a quiet crunch they grounded on the northern bank of the river.

"Just a word of... advise," the Captain said as they stepped out on to the shore, "My old friend prefers those who are polite and if you try to force him to do something then you are likely to wind up hurt, though with a Mastersmith that is not always the end of the line."

"Mastersmith?" Jeremiah queried.

The Captain smiled.

"Let's put it this way, I know that it is a distinct possibility that I will go to Hell at the end of my lives," he said, "And when and if that happens I will need the friendship of a Mastersmith."  With that the long boat was pushed off from shore and started making its way back towards the docks of Lotton.

"That sounded ominous," Ulrich noted as they turned their faces towards the forest. Tall, graceful willows swayed back and forth, back and forth, rustling almost sounding like voices, murmuring to each other.

"Seems alive enough to me," Thorian observed and picked what looked like a rabbit trail to follow. Kaelin sniffed deeply, sampling the odors of the forest.

"Here it is," she stated, "I don't think it is so healthy further in." Never the less, it was a more pleasant walk then they had had after they had left the capital, the trees providing shade and a gentle breeze keeping them cool. The pie's from Dippler's were even still warm when they stopped for lunch, in a glade.  The trees around them had changed as well, the willows of the waters edge, giving way to ash and hazel, birch and hawthorn with one or two oaks slowly making their way towards the canopy. Still, the murmuring branches did still sound like voices talking to each other in a language that Kaelin found she could almost understand but not quite. It didn't sound hostile though, even maybe curious. After a while she found herself doozing.

"Seems that the Captain was right," Ulrich grinned down at her, "This doesn't seem to be the disaster you thought it was going to be."

"That remains to be seen," Kaelin ignored the hand he offered and turned her face towards their route, "Winds changed, I can't smell anything from ahead of us now."

"I'm sure it will be fine," Ulrich reassured her.

"Like having me drive the cart was?" Kaelin asked with a smirk.

"You aren't going to let me live that down are you?" Ulrich frowned.

"Nope," Kaelin smirked more as she set out with a swinging gait.

The afternoon was wearing on and Kaelin had started to notice patches of soil in the underbrush that didn't look right, the dark texture just off in a way she couldn't quite describe and she was picking up a smell from the patches they had passed that was catching in the back of her throat.

"Oh look," Thorian called, "It's a dog. Come here doggy, come here boy, we won't hurt you."

Kaelin looked to where he was calling to. The 'dog' stood looking back at them with flat unfriendliness.

"Er, Thorian," she said softly, "That isn't a dog."

"What do you mean? Of course it's a dog," Thorian said, "Come here, boy, there's a good dog."

As if that was the sign, the trees erupted with short, green figures yelling and brandishing rusty looking swords, swarming towards them, even as some of them bashed others over the head to get at their prey first. Kaelin let her other side go, her face rippling and bubbling as it took over and claimed her teeth. However, for once she wasn't the fastest one there.

Scuttlebug dropped out from under his master's robes and chittered his palps as Jeremiah stood tall and proclaimed a series of words that made Kaelin want to roll over and show her belly. If it made her cringe then that was nothing compared to how it affected the goblins swarming towards them. The center of the swarm, including one of the pack mates of the 'dog' turned tail and ran yelping into the trees, howling in terror and falling over each other to get away.

A larger, burlier goblin shouted and cursed after them, waving his oversized cleaver after his retreating minions before shouting and cuffing the ones who'd managed to stay into continuing the charge. The 'dog' Thorian had been trying to make friends with charged forward and did its best to set its teeth into his leg.

"Ow!" Thorian yelled, "BAD dog!" His great sword swung in a glittering arch and the dog realized too late that it had made a very bad choice. Ulrich's swords span in tight, whirling circles that seemed to confuse the goblins no end until said circles resulted in their end. Kaelin's teeth did their work and goblins squealed as her gaze fell upon them. A goblin went down under the eight furry legs of Scuttlebug and its body went to convulsions as the spider's fangs injected dose of toxin into its system but Scuttlebug turned too slow as another goblin dog bounded towards him. With a stomach turning, sucking crunch Scuttlebug came apart in the middle, the dog shaking him until pieces splattered and sprayed over the surrounding goblins.

Jeremiah seemed to inflate and the shadows flared round him, clinging to the head of his mace in tattered streamers. The dog yelped as Jeremiah's foot knocked it over on to its side. It never had the chance to stand back up, Jeremiah's mace caving in its rib cage with brutal force.

Thorian's sword swept in great arches, mowing down goblins like wheat in the field but it was Ulrich that reached the goblin commander first. The goblin snarled and spat something foul but Ulrich's fulchions parried once, twice, a third time and then the goblin's head bounced off a tree and rolled into a pile of leaf litter.

"Sorry old boy, did you say something?" Ulrich asked but no reply was forth coming, "Didn't think so."

He turned back to the group in time to see the speculative look in Jeremiah's eyes.

"Oh no," Ulrich said, "Not again."

Jeremiah began to speak and Ulrich felt his hair trying quite successfully to stand on end. He turned his back as the shadows came alive and writhed around the goblin dog's corpse. He only turned back when he head the unsteady scrabbling of paws in the dirt. The goblin dog stood, head swaying from side to side, looking like a hairless, green skinned mangy mutt with a malformed rib cage. Its glowing blue-green eyes gave him the creeps.

"Did you have to?" Ulrich asked with disgust.

"It killed my Scuttlebug," Jeremiah sounded as if it was self evident, "Besides this one might be easier to explain away to a city guard."

"I suppose so," Ulrich wrinkled his nose.

"Are you coming or not?" Kaelin asked, sniffing at the dirt.

"What's up?" Ulrich asked.

"Those goblins are going to rally eventually," Kaelkin kept sniffing, "If we don't deal with them before they do then they will be back, you can count on it."

"Onwards then," Ulrich smiled, "We few, we lucky few."

"We band of buggered," Kaelin observed as she stood.

Draconic Shenanigans Episode 3

Right, nothing to really report on the life or career side so straight into the episode:-

Chapter Three: Of Spiders and Money

Thorian Vandervast woke up and wished he hadn't. Somehow in the night a miniature giant space dwarf had crawled up his nose and was now busily trying to mine its way out through the top of his head. Somehow he eventually dragged himself to the vertical, on his feet position and made his way downstairs. Well, he tried to but the stairs were in a mean mood that morning and turned into a slide part way down, a slide that was some how still as bumpy as the set of steps he'd originally been walking on. He landed on his backside in the taproom and sat there for several minutes, head in hands, wondering if there was anyone around that he could ask to gently remove his head. He'd been able to think much more clearly without this throbbing lump on the end of his neck.

A noise that matched time with the dwarf in his skull eventually made him look up. The statue armour thing that had been in the King's study was standing by the bar, slowly drumming a set of claws on the wooden top. Seeing that it had Thorian's complete and utter agonized attention it slid a large glass of bubbling something down the bar top towards him.

"Drink it," it advised, "It will help with your... trouble."

Thorian had a long discussion with his arms and legs as they seemed to be having interesting times with understanding which ones of them should be on the floor and which hanging by his sides but he did manage to pick up the glass without spilling or breaking it. The taste was almost as good as the stuff he'd drank last night, the effect....

Thorian felt his stomach do a flip flop into an icicle, a bucket of scalding hot water was dumped over his head and his ears were wrung out sideways. When his sight settled back into the colours he was expecting the armour statue regarded him with intrigue.

"Not many can go through that without shouting a rainbow at the floor," it observed, "You might just get through the coming days in one piece."

"Just what was in that?" Thorian demanded.

"A little of this, a little of that," it shrugged non-noncommittally, "A few suggestions I picked up in my travels and even a hair of the dog that bit you last night."

"I wasn't bit by no dog," Thorian still swayed a little as the floor shifted ever so slightly.

"It means that there was a trace of the stuff you drank last night in it," the light in the statue armour's sea green glass eyes moved as if it was rolling them ever so slightly, "Nothing as strong as the usual 'cures' for such a... problem but enough of a tincture to get the job done."

"Oh right, thanks," Thorian frowned, "Where, where are all my friends? They don't seem to be here."

"Your... friends had to leave in something of a hurry this morning," the armour statue observed, "One of them particularly has managed to upset a lot of people." It tipped its head sideways as if listening. Thorian did the same and after a moment picked up the sounds of a lot of people who sounded some what upset outside the inn.

"Sounds like they are beginning to organize themselves so if I were you I'd leave by the back door and soon," it pointed, "They might be a little indiscriminate about who they hurt right now."

"Oh great," Thorian observed, "Just when I think I've found some place where people actually like me, someone has to go a muck it up. Wonder how they did that, it's not like they had orc parents. Oh well, guess its not much different to what I'm used to. Thanks for your help." He turned and staggered across the tap room towards the door the armour statue had pointed out. The floor decided to be even more unsteady than it already was and the tables were definitely in a tricky mood, jumping in and out of his way as he tried to reach the door.

"Oh, oh that's something," he turned at the door to find the armour statue had followed him, "Which way did my friends go?"

"That way," the armour statue pointed down the road, "With some," it coughed, "Hast."

"Ah right," Thorian nodded, "Thanks again."

"You are welcome," it said, "For now at least, your safety is my priority."

Stepping out into the early morning sunshine and fresh air made the road settle in to place and as Thorian stepping out with a swinging gait the hedges slowly stopped swaying in and out. By the time the Pointy Hat Inn had disappeared behind him he felt cheerful enough to pick up the pace to a jog.

Some distance ahead on the road, Kaelin and Jeremiah were dozing in the back of the wagon, content to let Ulrich do the walking and not bothering to watch the forest slide pass on either side of them. The horses suddenly jerked in the traces, whinnying in fright.

"What's the matter, hey?" Ulrich said soothingly, laying a hand on the nearest one's neck, "What's the matt...." He saw the cluster of eight eyes watching him avidly from out of the tree tops and realized that what he had assumed to be ground mist was too high up and about too late in the day for ground mist.

With a yell, he swung up into the driver's seat and slapped the reigns down on the horses' rumps. The wagon jumped forward, jolting Kaelin awake. She sat up with an oath and a hand ready to slap Ulrich across the back of the head, then saw the first of the scuttling shapes clawing their eight legs out onto the road. Her howling yell made the horses leap forward, screaming as they did so... and the wagon crashed into the ditch. Jeremiah grunted as his bulk slammed into the boards behind the driver's seat. He blinked awake as the sound of bubbling, cracking bones sounded through the air, then he screamed as a spider the size of a dog scrabbled its way into the wagon and fastened its fangs into his boot.

Kaelin leapt at the spider climbing up beside the first and her jaws closed with a liquid crunch just behind its eyes. All its legs went into spasm and Kaelin fell back spitting with disgusting. Leaving the bucking, rearing horses' in the traces, Ulrich swung down to the road, brandishing his two falchions. The spider facing him was too fast for him to land a blow but it seemed to be dazzled by the flickers of light along the blades. However the ones behind it weren't.

Jeremiah squealed, his free boot kicking at the eyes of the spider that was determinedly chewing on his boot. Kaelin snarled as two more charged her, her spring crushing one beneath her weigh, the other biting at her but only grabbing a mouthful of boot leather for its trouble. Ulrich's blades swung in tight arches as the spiders before him squawled as their legs left their bodies.

Jeremiah finally smashed his heel through the eyes of the spider chewing on his boot. With a last gargle it toppled off the back of the wagon. Kaelin's fangs crushed through the abdomen of the spider trying to disentangle its fangs from the boot leather it had pulled from her. Ulrich impaled the spider that tried to drop on him from the trees.

Kaelin looked round, mouth matted with thick yellow spider blood and saw the bushes sway as more forms scuttled towards them. Jeremiah stood up, his face thunderous and thrust his hand towards the spiders, a stream of words that made Kaelin's hair stand up on end making the trees bend away from him. The spiders fell back, legs jerking and a chilling click clacking coming from their fangs, palps waving in the air. Their eyes were rolling and they swirled round each other, chittering in something that could have been their own form of language. 

Ulrich dropped back, reaching for the horses reins, then the spiders surged forward again. Ulrich's blades shredded one but he swallowed with a dry mouth as he saw just the sheer numbers scuttling towards them.

"Hey! Wait for me!" a voice bellowed.  Kaelin looked up from pulling the fangs out of the face of a spider to see Thorian crash into the side of the swarm of spiders, sword cleaving one clean in two.

"It's Thorian Time!" the orc cross breed bellowed, blade whirling round him like a wind mill in a hurricane. Kaelin grinned and then her fangs bit down on the top of another spider's head. Jeremiah's mace came down like the wroth of God and smashed another spider into the floor. Ulrich diced two into flying fragments just before Thorian sheered through the last. While the orc cross breed whooped to the sky, Ulrich dropped his blades and grabbed the horses' reins and began the difficult job of calming the beasts down.

"That was a nice little fight," Thorian grinned as he cleaned off his sword.

"Wish I could agree with you," Jeremiah looked at the bespattered mace with disgust then a thoughtful expression crossed his face. He looked round and waved Kaelin away from the spider she was straddling as her bones realigned themselves. She stood and stepped back as Jeremiah began to gesture and mutter a string of blistering words. The shadows twisted and turned and then they were more than just shadows, threads of glowing power weaving themselves through the twisting skeins of darkness. The non-shadows writhed around the spider's broken form and then poured in through its fangs, flooding down its gullet. A heart beat after the last of the shadows were sucked into the spider's body, it twitched. Its eyes blinked with a hair raising, pale bluish green glow, then its legs rearranged themselves so that it stood at Jeremiah's feet, vibrating slightly.

"Isn't he brilliant," Jeremiah beamed, "First time I've had the chance to try that spell. Now it was a nice little fight."

"Er, it has a hole in its head," Thorian stated the obvious.

"And I think I can still taste its brains," Kaelin picked at her teeth.

"But he's perfect," Jeremiah beamed, "Completely loyal and perfectly obedient. Here watch. Get in the wagon and sit where no one can see you." The spider twitched, turned a half circle counter clockwise, did a quarter circle clockwise and then scuttled over to the back of the wagon, climbing jerkily over the tailgate and crouched down out of sight.

"It has a hole in its head," Thorian said again.

"As I said, completely loyal and perfectly obedient," Jeremiah continued beaming.

"It has a hole in its head," Thorian said.

"Details, details," Jeremiah waved his hand before addressing his new pet, "Now you just sit there and don't move until you are told to."

"It has a hole in its head," Thorian said again.

"Be that as it may," Ulrich called as he continued to sooth the horses, "But could I have a hand putting this wagon back on the road?"

"Sure thing," Thorian walked up to the side of the wagon, picked the whole thing up, lifted it over his head and put it down on the road, "How's that?"

After a moment Kaelin managed to stop displaying her tonsils to the world, Jeremiah stopped blinking as he accepted what he had just seen and Ulrich stood frozen, gazing at where the dazed horses blinked in the shafts, as if even they wondered just how the world had been rewritten. What broke the moment was when the top most pair of blue-green glowing eyes very slowly rose over the edge of the tail gate as if even the undead spider could not quite believe what had just happened.

"Yes," Ulrich said slowly, picking up his swords and cleaning them, "I think that will do just fine."

"Don't suppose you know how to drive this thing by any chance?" Kaelin asked.

"Of course I can," Thorian beamed, "Who doesn't know how to drive on of these?"

"You mean other than Kaelin?" Ulrich muttered as he climbed into the back of the wagon. Kaelin's look was flatly unfriendly. "What?" Ulrich asked with an innocent smile. Thorian settled himself in the driver's seat, picked up the reins... and promptly drove the wagon into the ditch.

Jeremiah brought his knees up to his chest, folded his arms round them and hid his face in their mud spattered sleeves. His shoulders shook and muffled noises came from him.

"Are you?" Ulrich asked after a moment, "Are you okay?" Jeremiah waved him away, revealing that his was trying, and failing, not to laugh.

"Anyone can drive one of these things," he gasped out round his merriment, "Anyone can drive one of these thing. Well, if that's true shall we have Scuttlebug here try?" He patted the part of the spider's head that was still there.

"Details, details," Thorian grumbled as he swung down to the road, "I didn't say I'd get it right first time." He lifted the front of the wagon and pulled it back on to the road, "These things take a bit of getting used to. They all drive differently, thought I do say that you could have bought on that didn't have a half broken axle." He swung back into the driver's seat and gathered the reins again.

"I believe we did," Kaelin smiled at Ulrich, "But someone was insistent that he palm off the work of driving to someone 'more suitable' even though said 'suitable' person told him openly that the only thing she knows about horses is that they make good eating."

Ulrich grandly ignored her, pretending not to hear Thorian's comments about 'stupid things to do'. The clop-clop of the horses hooves became a rhythmic music that even made Ulrich relax, despite the large, hairy eight legged 'pet' that now shared the wagon bed with them. There was a little moment when the wagon slipped on the bridge over the small creek but Thorian managed to recover it and once they were on the other side, Kaelin managed to pry her fingernails out of the wood of the side of the wagon.

Beyond the creek the woods gradually peeled back to reveal, glimmering in the distance, the high walls of a many towered curtain wall and the double gate in  the wall facing them.

"Wow," Thorian slowed the wagon a moment, eyes wide as he gazed at the sight, "And I thought the walls of the King's place were big. Just how do you get giants to make you a place like that?"

"Actually it was built by people like us," Ulrich puffed out his chest.

"Don't be daft," Thorian brushed that aside, "There's no way little people like us could lob rocks that high. You'd have to be crazy to believe that. That King has got to have some really magic to get giants working for him. There again, if he can make a statue alive then he must be a really great wizzard."

"You know something," Jeremiah observed, "I never considered that. I wonder..."

There was a speculative look in his eyes as the wagon rolled down the road towards Lotton  but as they drew close to the towering walls, he looked around and then told 'Scuttlebug' to make himself as small as possible and hold still before flipping the edge of his robe over the balled up spider so that it looked more like the back end of a very round and shaggy grey dog sleeping under the edge of its masters robe.  As they drew up the southern entrance of the double gate one of the guards stepped out into the road and held up his hand.

"Is anything the matter Sir?" Thorian pulled the horses to a gentle stop.  The guard ran an eye over the party.

"Orc child," he noted, "A chap who looks like a noble, a priest and a..." Kaelin looked with flat unfriendliness at him, "Young women. Let me guess, another of the King's Special Teams."

"How did you guess," Thorian smiled.

"Had a group of you specials come through about two weeks back," he shrugged and rubbed his nose, "Didn't think that they'd come back this way and if your here then I guess his Majesty didn't like their report or they didn't make it back be any other route. My betting would be that they didn't make it back."

"Why would that be, my good man?" Jeremiah asked with a friendly smile.

"Lake traveling has got real interesting this year," the guard stretched and yawned, "Wish whatever it was would hurry up and shove off. With all these bored sailors hanging around and the merchants beginning to scream about the cut in their profits, we've all been pulling double shifts. Not sure I'm going to be good for anything if it goes up to triple shifts." He yawned again.

"Have the sailors been saying what it is that has been causing all the disruption?" Ulrich asked.

"Dis-what?" the guard blinked, "Oh, you mean all the po-lother. Could tell you were a noble. It shows with fancy language like that. Well the tavern talk down water side is that the ships are being attacked by a kraken. Ruddy sailors must think all us landlubbers are blooming idiots. Everyone know that Krakens are salt water beasts. I'm not saying that the lake inside big enough and deep enough to have a few monsters but its sweet water all the way, not a drop of salt in it. It would be a blinking strange kraken to be here. Any way, keep yourselves out of trouble while you're in town and shift on out on whatever job you have as soon as possible, alright?"

"I assure you that is exactly what we plan to do," Jeremiah said soothingly.

"Speaking of to that end," Ulrich interrupted, "What are the roads like to Nether Wallop?"

The guard laughed.

"Knew you were a King's Special," he slapped his thigh and then yawned again, "And the answer is that there aren't any, not direct to Nether Wallop. Oh there are some roads to the southern farms but the land gets too wild and broken close to the Piddle River. There are always a few back woodsy types that believe they'll find their own piece of heaven in that place but the roads won't take a wagon and you'd be hard pressed to get a cart through. Nah, if you want to get to Nether Wallop, it will be by boat or by foot and good luck to yah."

"In that case is there any place that would buy the wagon and horses from us?" Ulrich asked, "I don't think we have the money to have them loaded on to a boat."

"It will be ships around here unless you want to be carrying your teeth in your hat," the guard said sourly, "We may not be as fancy as the capital or those rich fops at Snittering but we are the biggest town on the shores of the big lake and our harbour takes proper draft ships, not some piddling boats. As for the rest well," he yawned again, "Try Sweetie Robb's Emporium. He deals in horses so start there."

"What about food?" Kaelin asked bluntly.

"Try the Taverns or there's Dippler's Pie Shop just before the square, just keep going straight and look right as you find the cobble stones. Now, if you don't mind, shift your backsides, you're holding up the show," he waved them into the town, yawning as he did so.

Thorian tapped the horses with the reins and the cart jolted forward.

"Don't know about you lot but I'm hungry," he said over his shoulder as he steered them through the crowd. The cart bumped over the road surface until, with a jolt it started rumbling. Ulrich kept watching the shops as they rolled passed. The ones near the gate all seemed to deal in the stuff that a traveler would need as if trying to tease in the customers just before they left the city.

"Here we are," Thorian reined in the horses. The smell of something savory and hot wafted out of the shop door as Thorian swung down from the drivers seat and pushed it open, "Hello the house, any one here?"

A small and rather weaselly loving character popped up from behind the counter.

"That would be me, Dippler of Dippler's Pie Shop at your service and what can I do for you," his accent was strange and rather big city, completing the picture started by his battered red velvet top hat and polka dot neck tie.

"Well for starters what you give me for the couple of horses I've got parked up outside?" Thorian jabbed his thumb over his shoulder.

"Oh sweet lord," Dippler slapped his forehead, "When are people going to get used to the idea that I don't deal in the livestock any more? Listen buddy, I don't buy or sell the meat while it is still breathing, alright? You take it along to the horse dealer down the street, okay? That's mah mate Sweetie Rod, you see? You sell your pound of horse flesh to him and then yah bring yah specy back up here and I'll sell you the pies, alright? Wal-a-wall, everyone happy alright?"

"And let me guess," Ulrich said from the doorway, "Your friend Sweetie Rod sells you the meat when its all dead and cleaned?"

"You betcha and not horse either. He deals in other live stock besides horses, yah know," Dippler grinned, showing a mouthful of small but sharp looking teeth, "Yeash! Anyone would think I was still wandering around with my little tray selling meat rolls. Trust me, those days of having to get my hands dirty are all gone trust me."

"So we should take the horses to yeh friend?" Thorian asked again.

"As I said, just down the street toward the gate, you must have missed it if you came in from the country side," Dippler looked out of the window, "Oh and if you are selling the horses you might as well, ditch the wagon with Hognails the carter. He's just opposite mah mate. Now toddle on with yah, I've got work to do." He waved them out of the shop.

Outside, Ulrich was already leading the horses round by their reins rather than try to turn them  by driving them so by the time Thorian was back in the driving seat the cart was facing the right way. The trip back down the road wasn't that long and when they pulled up outside Hognails Wheels and Wagons Ulrich rapped sharply on the door.

"Alright, alright," a gruff voice called from inside, "Keep you hair on." A dwarf with burly arms and a dark tan beard opened the door and looked up at Ulrich, "And what are you wanting?"

"Well good sir, I'd like to inquire if you would be so good as to take this cart off our hands?" Ulrich doffed his non-existent hat. The dwarf grumped and had a look at the cart.

"Fair wheels," he noted, "Good joinery work on the sides though its been roughed up a little and that front axle is fair shot to the void. I'll give you ten gold for it."

"Ten gold?" Ulrich exclaimed, "When that good wagon has rescued us from bandits, spiders and all sorts of horrors on the journey? Good sir, I wouldn't part with it for less than fifty."

"Oh don't carry on, you silly toff," Hognails scoffed, "It's a wagon, not your first born and as for the 'horrors' of the journey, I bet most of what it saved you from was sore feet. Fifteen."

Kaelin rolled her eyes and lay back for the moment wondering if the haggling would take all day or if they wouldn't sell the wagon at all but eventually hands were shaken on twenty seven gold, the horses unhitched and Hognails yelled from a couple of his apprentices to wheel it round the back. It was only after it was out of the way that Kaelin realized that Jeremiah's new pet was no where to be seen. Then she looked more closely at him and realized that the front of his robes were even more rotund than usually. She opened her mouth but words utterly failed her and she turned her back on him.

"Please tell me that you haven't...." Ulrich said in a sick voice.

"Well, where else was I supposed to hide him," Jeremiah asked and quickly followed Thorian as the orc crossbreed led the horses across the street. Thorian opened the door to Sweety Rod's Emporium, reins still him his hands to be greeted by the yell of "livestock round the back!"

"Oh alright," he called out with a grin and backed out. He led the horses round the side of the small L-shaped building to the extremely large gate set in the angle of the L. He pounded on it for a few moments, ignoring the argument between Ulrich and Jeremiah about the advisability of having your pets literally stuffed up your jumper.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," a voice called sharply and the noise of several large bolts being drawn back sounded out, "Just because you were born in a barn doesn't mean that you have to act like it!"

"Actually I think I was born in a cave," Thorian smiled pleasantly at the thin man with the shock of greying hair.

"Forgive my greenish friend," Ulrich pushed passed Thoriah, holding out his hand to the man who's cheek had started to twitch. He received a rather clammy handshake for his troubles. "But we have these two fine beasts for sale as horses are going to be something of a liability where we are headed. What would you care to offer us for them?"

As the man looked over the horses his nervous ticks all settled down.

"Teeth are good," he noted, "Hooves could do with a look by a farrier but they have good condition for all they have been run hard by someone who didn't know what they were doing. Ten gold each."

"Ridiculous," Ulrich shook his head, "I won't take less than forty each."

The bartering was quick and sharp and wrapped up with Sweetie handing over twenty gold for each horse.

"I only did it 'cause you look like a couple of days rest will bring your condition back up," he explained to the horses as he lead them inside the yard of his shop, "Not like that old nacker I was sold yesterday. The only thing he was good for was p.... peasant work." His words stumbled as if he'd self corrected before saying something he shouldn't do. With a guilty look back he swiftly swung the yard gate shut and Kaelin could hear the heavy bolts being dragged back into place.

"Well, I think we deserve a got nosh and maybe a pint before we try and find our way closer to Nether Wallop," Ulrich turned to leave and found his way blocked by Kaelin who had her hand out. "What dear friend?" Ulrich smiled disarmingly. Kaelin just raised her eyebrows at him.

"I think our rather toothsome friend means that you should divide the spoils between us," Jeremiah observed.

"What spoils?" Ulrich opened his hands wide.

"The money," Thorian loomed over him, a unhappy look appearing on his face, "You wouldn't be trying to keep it all, would you? It would make me very sad if you were trying to keep it all."

"Would I do such a thing, friend?" Ulrich asked with a look of open innocence on his face.

"Well I don't see any money in my hand," Thorian pointed out.

"We could always turn him upside down and shake him to see what falls out," Kaelin suggested.

"Now Kaelin I can assure you..." Ulrich started.

"Good idea," Thorian grinned and before Ulrich could shout he found himself dangling upside down by one ankle being briskly shaken.  However, the rattling had not shifted any of his weapons and Thorian looked down at a cold touch to find a dagger pointed at a rather personal area of himself.

"Either you put me down slowly," Ulrich said, "Or you won't be making any little orclets in the future."

"And you said you were my friend," Thorian pouted. Kaelin sidled up to Ulrich with a skill Jeremiah admired and was turning away again when Thorian's other hand shot out and picked her up by the back of her collar. "And that was stealing," Thorian boomed. Ulrich forgot about threatening Thorian's prowess with the ladies and started checking his pockets, a look of complete shock growing in his eyes as he realized that his pockets had lost some of their contents. 

"Friends, friends," Jeremiah smiled, "I'm sure that we could settle this without violence. After all, if say Ulrich gives half of what he has left in his pockets to Thorian and Kaelin gives half to me then it should all be equal. How about that?"

"Don't count on it," Kaelin said flatly.

"I don't," Jeremiah smiled and then tucked his chin down towards his chest and hidden in his beard, his lips moved. His robes moved as if a dozen snakes writhed underneath it and then he seemed to grow eight extra hairy grey legs. Scuttlebug moved out from under the robes hem, scrambling towards Kaelin with a fixed look in its many glowing eyes. Kaelin snarled, a snarl that seemed to go on and on in unnatural ways. Scuttlebug slowed to a stop and then one leg lifted to carefully dab around the hole in its head as if it was remembering how that injury had come to be there. Kaelin snarled again and Scuttlebug whipped round and scuttled back behind Jeremiah's legs with the look of a dog that had its tail between its legs.

"Ah," Jeremiah sighed, "I suppose that rather puts a dampener on that idea. Alright, how about a compromise? Ulrich and Kaelin keep the money they now have but on the condition Ulrich buys Thorian lunch and Kaelin buys me lunch. Does that sound better?"

Thorian's face screwed up with the effort.

"I think that could work," he said at last, "But don't buy me a smaller portion alright?" He lowered Ulrich to the cobbles without dropping him so Ulrich rolled to his feet and started pulling his clothes straight.

"And you Kaelin?" Jeremiah smiled at her.  Her sullen expression didn't change.

"Alright," she grudged, "But don't get any funny ideas."

"My dear Kaelin," Jeremiah smiled even wider, "I think it is too late for that, I think I have already made it my life's work to make you smile."

"You can't," Kaelin stated, "The bastard is already dead." She turned away.