Draconic Shennanigans - Episode 16

Chapter Sixteen: Trips in the Dark

 "On wards dear friends," Jeremiah proclaimed gesturing grandly to the frowning mouth of the cave, "Once more into the breach we boldly go for the glory of the kingdom!"

"We few, we lucky few," Ulrich muttered as an aside.

"We band of buggered," Kaelin did not bother to keep her voice down.

"Ah come on it can't be that bad," Thorian grinned, ducking under the lip of the cave mouth, "See? You can even stand up in here."

"Oh well," Ulrich shrugged, "Might as well get on with it, the sooner we start, hopefully the sooner we will be done." He ducked in besides Thorian and looked around. The rock ways dripped with moisture and a smell of damp soil rose from the ground under their feet. The stone stretched, grey and darkening to black as it sloped gently away from them, down into Hestia, inviting the unwary into the unknown.

"Oh," said Jeremiah, "Is there not enough room in here? Shall I wait outside?"

"Oh get on with it!" Kaelin gave him a shove in the back, pushing him forward, "We haven't got all day."

Thorian strode into the darkness, humming a tune to himself as his eyes adapted to the growing gloom, Ulrich keeping pace with it.

"Allow me dear," Jeremiah beamed, "I know it is suppose to be ladies first but in dangerous situations a proper gentleman takes the risks."

"You? A proper gentleman?" Kaelin raised an eyebrow as Jeremiah stepped ahead of her, Hat swaying on the point of his miter, the giant moths blue glow brightening as the sunlight faded behind them. Kaelin had gone several paces forward when she realized that Jeremiah had put her at the back of the team, the second most dangerous location, while he took the most comfortable position of in the middle. She sighed and stepped forward.

 The gloom was only just increasing when Hat buzzed, jerking sideways, knocking Jeremiah's miter askew.

"Hat behave yourself!" Jeremiah snapped, his hands flying up to steady his head gear but Hat would not stop, pulling the miter across the tunnel, "Hat! What has..." Jeremiah's frantic turning had caused him to look up at the area Hat was so desperately trying to get away from. "Oh."

The spider dropped into the tunnel, paps twitching in anticipation. Ulrich turned at Jeremiah's yelp just as the other spider dropped down in front of Thorian.

"It's Thorian time!" Thorian yelped with glee and kicked the spider, his boot lifting the creature up and sending it spinning down the tunnel to shatter against the wall. Jeremiah struck out with his mace of office, missing the spider and knocking a hole in the floor. The spider reared back, fangs dripping and... Ulrich's blades sheered it of its legs and then relieved it of the use of its head.

"One," he said with pride, "And very neatly done."

"Does that mean I beat him?" Thorian asked.

"To the first kill of the day," Jeremiah noted, "But the final score is unclear."

"Oh," Thorian sniffed and then brightened, "Still, got the rest of the day. We can find some more friends to play with down here."

Ulrich and Kaelin just looked at each other and Ulrich slowly shook his head. Thorian's idea of 'friends' and 'play with' where worlds away from what they considered to be the definitions of those words. Kaelin frowned as the tunnel roof dripped water on her head. She stepped sideways and a drip fell on the other side of her head. She sighed the sigh of the long suffering. There was always something. Haggis let out a mournful 'parf' as the drips began to make his bag soggy.

"I am absolutely sure that we will find some more friends down here," Jeremiah smiled, "Would you like to lead on to these new friends, my dear Thorian?"

"Okey dokey," Thorian turned and stepped out with a jaunty stride, whistling a tune.

With an eye roll, Ulrich followed him and some how Jeremiah stepped just so, so that Kaelin couldn't get ahead of him. She curled her lip and made some silent hands gestures at his back, detailing what she thought of him, his ancestors and his preferences. Still karma seemed to have an idea of how to deal with him as the next spider popped out of a disguised entrance and fastened itself to Jeremiah's boot. He went over on his backside with a squawk and before the two in front of him could turn another one popped out of the floor, fangs out and gleaming.

Kaelin unslung Haggis and blew into the pipe with all her strength. The tune raised the hair on every body's body, including the spiders. They seemed to swell up and at the same moment become covered in quills like porcupines. And they attacked.

This time they didn't click, they buzzed, the noise akin to the thrum of some seriously slagged off hornets, venom not so much dripping as splashing from their fangs. The one facing Thorian and Ulrich barreled forward, knocking both of them down but they fell in different directions and the spider span, venom spraying, unable to decide which one of the them to bite first. The one that had Jeremiah by the boot scuttled backward, dragging him along as it shook his leg from side to side, snapping his knee savagely. Jeremiah yelled as his tendons stretched with the abuse.

Ulrich flipped himself on to his feet and lunged straight across the tunnel, sword held out straight before him. The spider made a horrible wet noise as the blade pierced its side and then its legs curled in on themselves as it went into spasm.

Thorian straightened with a roar and his sword scrapped sparks from the tunnel wall as it whirred through the air. The bottom half of the spider slid along the floor, slopping its yellow contents, while its top half flipped through the air and landed upside down, displaying it like an anatomy diagram.

Kaelin let out her breath as Haggis trailed off.

"Well that wasn't the reaction I expected," she admitted, "I expected them to run away."

"Yes well, my dear," Jeremiah stood and straightened his miter, "Perhaps next time you consider what would have happened if there had been more of them in hiding. As much as I appreciate your musical abilities being swarmed by your overly enthusiastic admirers doesn't strike me as a particularly fun way to spend the afternoon."

"Not to mention the fact that anything in these caves probably now know that we are here,"Ulrich observed.

"Goody gum drops!" Thorian beamed, "More fun for us!"

The others all exchanged a look and then hurried after him as the orc crossbreed swung off into the dark. They peered after him, struggling to see in the near perfect gloom as the tunnel turned to the right.

"You, Hat," Jeremiah jabbed a finger up, "Put some effort in." The limp and bedraggled moth buzzed weakly in protest but its blueish glow slowly increased and not a moment too soon as the glimmer of light shone off a bundle of thick ropes barring their path like the worse tangle of granny's knitting ever. Thorian reached out a hand to tear it aside and stepped back.

"Well that's not nice!" he said, trying to shake the stuff off of his hands. It clung. As Jeremiah stepped closer and shone more light on the mess of cables, they realized that every single rope was frayed and covered in loops and strands of fibers. Where Thorian tugged and wrenched at the one he was stuck to a groaning creaking emitted from the fibers, the sound of multiple small animals in pain. In the dark ahead something or several somethings rustled as them came creeping over the knotted mass of silk.

Kaelin's teeth chattered as her skin went cold. There were legs, far too many legs. She thought she'd seen the worst these things could do but now, faced with this hideous trap she knew that they were in the territory of their enemies. Jeremiah however, smiled.

"My turn," he said and drew himself up, chanting words that curdled in the air. The sparks flared around his fingers... and died out. He felt his God, somewhere, somehow, turn his nose up at his pleads.

In the dark ahead the spiders clicked and clacked, the noise a hair raising parody of amusement. Jeremiah inflated.

"Oh great God," he remembered to not mention the name, "Lord of all the cosmos, true King of all realities, look upon these worthless bugs that do mock your humble servant and laugh at your name. Smite them with you holy fire and cast them into the pit of your righteous wraith were they may ever suffer for their derision of your might. May their screams of agony be ever pleasing to your ears."

"I say, steady on old bean," Ulrich muttered.

The fire roared in the enclosed space, tearing through the knotted strands of silk like dragon fire through ice, the heat back blowing on their faces hot enough to steal breath, the threads withering and splitting with a cackling noise of tearing tendons. Something screamed in the sudden flaring light and then the dark came back with an abruptness that made Kaelin blink, trying to see past the purple after glare left on her vision. While she stood trying to see clearly again, something scurried off into the dark, clicking and clacking in panic.

"Well that was something," Thorian grinned and slapped Jeremiah on the shoulder, "Knew you'd get the hang of it eventually."

"Yes, well," Jeremiah recovered from his Thorian induced stumble and straightened his miter, Hat clinging to it, "Give praise to God for his bounteous help. Now on to the glory of victory in his name!"

"Right-o!" Thorian cheered and stepped out with a swinging gait, bellowing an orcish marching song that rang and echoed off the walls.

"And he dared to complain about Haggis letting everything know that we are here," Ulrich muttered as he followed along.

"Have you also noticed he rarely mentions who his God actually is?" Kaelin pointed out, "Anyone would think that he doesn't want people to know who it is that is giving him his power."

"Hum," Ulrich agreed, "You're right there, he doesn't tend to mention his God's name, though I'm sure that I heard him say something on the ship when we faced the Kraken, which could have been a name. I'm not sure though, I was rather distracted at the time."

"I can't say much for said God's taste any way," Kaelin muttered, "If Jeremiah is the best you can get, doesn't exactly encourage new followers to join the flock."

"I heard that," Jeremiah said over his shoulder.

"You were meant to, obviously," Kaelin returned.

Jeremiah opened his mouth to reply and then shut it again. The tunnel had come to an end. The cavern roof arched above them, lost in the gloom while to their right a rift opened out up in the floor, sheer sided straight down into the night eternal. The path just skirted it, passing through an arch of stone that formed a bridge leading to what appeared to be a way out. Silently the team stepped forward, peering into the dusky air, ears cocked as the sounds of something struggling came to them. They squinted round the edge of the rough stone arch.

The path passed between two sheer drops before opening out into a wide platform. In the middle of this platform the spider that had fled from them strained, literally. Long whips were wrapped around its legs, pulling and jerking it in two different directions. The spider wailed, a long hissing, sucking sound that made Ulrich shudder, as its bulk threatening to come apart in the middle.

With a gleeful yell Thorian bounded forward and brought his sword crashing down on one set of whips. They parted with a snap, fluid trailing from their ends as they arched back, the severed ends writhing and twitching on the ground, even as they were dragged along with the spider. The spider screamed as the other set of whips snapped it away to the party's right. 

"Oh God..." Jeremiah squeaked and arched his fingers in the sign to ward off the evil eye. The spider screamed again and then the stalagmite that it was being dragged towards opened a huge, glaring red eye, followed by an even larger, gaping mouth lined with needle pointed, backwards curving teeth. The spider's last scream was cut short as it met those teeth and was sucked in, shredded into oblivion with a gooey splattering noise that turned the stomach.

"Oh my..." Kaelin put her hand over her mouth, "You weren't kidding about this place, Jeremiah. I think I'm actually sorry about what I said a moment ago."

The thing glared at them, its one eye popping in its socket, its long rope like appendages lashing the air as it hissed, a volcanic sound. The ropes stilled.

"It's chosen its prey!" Jeremiah warned. The ropes cracked forward. Thorian was faster. The creature screamed as the lengths of it tentacles flopped to the floor and twitched. It screamed again, flailing at Thorian. The bright sword, snapped and cracked through the air. The thing screamed again and then quietened to moaning as it pulled what was left of its arms back, wrapping their abused lengths around itself and shutting its eye, shuddering and whimpering.

"Not so tough without yah hands... arms... legs... whatever they are, are you?" Thorian snorted. The apparent pillar of pointed stone shuddered and coiled its arms in tighter.

"Look out!" Jeremiah shrieked, jumping about a foot in the air as something lashed passed his feet. Thorian tried to leap but something latched on to one of his boots but warned by Jeremiah's shout he kept his balance, lunging forward with his free foot. He grunted as his legs strained to do the splits but he twisted his torso and hacked at the thing round his ankle. It snapped with the thrum of a parting cable. Something in the dark growled and a red scowling eye opened to fix on Thorian. Like the nest of Medusa, ropes reared up round it. This one seemed to have learnt from the fate of its rival; instead of coming at Thorian in a mass the ropes, they lashed one after another, cracking through the air with the noise of bull whips.

Kaelin already had the blowpipe in her mouth. Haggis' drone echoed round the cavern, counterpoints and harmonies building themselves as her fingers wove speed and agility into Thorian's muscles, his sword appearing to be every where in the gloom all at once.

The thing squalled and the tendrils retreated, their bleeding tips leaving trails across the floor. It glared at them for a moment more and then its eyes snapped shut and it became as still as stone, resolutely ignoring their existence.

"Interesting place," Ulrich observed and tossed a stone over the edge of the rift to their right. The Jeremiah and Kaelin froze, waiting for some horror to decide that it could put up with the noise but having stone thrown at it was just too much. They waited and waited... and waited some more. And some more. And some more after that.

No noise echoed up from the depths and nothing came crawling up out of the depths.

Jeremiah sighed with relief and then turned to look at the walls.

"Anyone see a way out of here?" he asked.

"Well back that way is the way we came in," Ulrich gestured, "Over there, between the members of our welcoming committee is what appears to be a tunnel entrance. Over there is a short cut across the bottomless pit to the path that crosses over the bridge we just past through to what looks like another exit up there. Or we can go the long way round the other edge, which gives us the option of the third exit or carrying on passed that to crosses the bridge."

"A right swirl of a spaghetti tangle," Jeremiah observed.

"What's spaghetti?" Thorian frowned.

"A foreign dish," Jeremiah explained, "Looks like a pile of string but doesn't taste half bad if you can put up with the fiddle it takes to eat it."

"Oh," Thorian sniffed and thought about, "Prefer meat, mah self. You can't go wrong with a good bit of roast meat."

"Unless you burn it," Ulrich chipped it.

"Depends how burnt," Thorian replied, "Burnt on the outside and still soft on the inside can be great."

"True," Ulrich agreed, "True."

"Any way, my dear," Jeremiah interrupted the discussion, addressing Kaelin, "Which way do you think we should go?"

Seeing as it was almost polite, especially after she'd made fun of him, Kaelin actually gave it some thought.

"That one," she pointed at the one closest.

"Lead on then, Sir Thorian," Jeremiah proclaimed grandly, his voice echoing in the chamber, "May you righteously smite anything that stands in our way!"

"Rightly-o!" Thorian beamed and stepped out, boots stomping across the stone. In the gloom to the left side of the entrance way a thin slither of red started opening up, peering cautiously at the group as they approached.

Thorian turned his head and let loose a bellowing roar that bounced and rolled around the cavern, humming among the stalactites and thrumming through the stones beneath their feet.

The red eye snapped opened, staring wide and horrified at them. The mouth opened and then it screamed. It screamed and it screamed and it screamed, a shrill screech that pierced through the air like a talon trying to cut through glass. The ropes leaped up from where they trailed across the path and flashed back to curl round the body of the thing.

It quivered and shook, whimpering and sobbing. The group stared at it. After a moment it peeped at them through its tentacles. Realizing that they were still there, it squealed again and hugged itself even tighter, blubbering like a baby.

After a moment, Ulrich pocked Thorian in the side and pointed to the tunnel entrance. Slowly and carefully they sidled towards it, keeping half an eye on the trembling mess of a thing as it cried. Kaelin paused a moment, biting her lip and then shook her head, turning into the tunnel. She hated leaving anything in that sort of condition, it sounded... gods it sounded like some of her Grandfather's play things but she was also sure it would have eaten her if it had the chance.

She turned her face away from it... and discovered that Jeremiah had managed to bag himself the middle point on the team again. She huffed and stomped along at the back, wondering when the view was going to change.

The tunnel angled away into the gloom, curling to the left this time and gradually the sound of the things distress quietened and fell behind them. Kaelin was glad, it was much more restful listening to the hush and sigh of the falling... Kaelin lifted her head. It wasn't water, the sound was too thick and slow for that but it didn't have the texture of falling snow either. Kaelin frowned. How could snow be falling down here any way? That was ridiculous. No the sound was definitely fluid but not water, it was more like slow bubbling mud, a sort of slow oozing. Maybe of molasses, perhaps, or something equally thick and...

Kaelin turned her head in time to see the last of the thick black gunk splat into the corridor behind her,  ropes of it still clinging to the ceiling, thick as her wrist, black as treacle.

"Um, guys," she took a step backwards away from it, "We may have trouble!"

The puddle heaped up in the middle, bulging upwards as if something under its surface was trying to escape, to burst forth back into the realm of light and air.

"What is it now, my dear Kaelin," Jeremiah said turning, "Surely we need to get on, not be distracted by hearing ghosts in the dark behi...."

The bulging, bubbling mass began to ooze towards them, its surface rippling like the foot of a snail.

"Run! Oh Holy Gods! Run!" Jeremiah yelled, trying to barge passed Ulrich and Thorian. For a moment they all wedged in the corridor. Kaelin screamed as she felt herself start to sink, the acrid stink making her eyes water as her boot heels began to dissolve. The jam ahead popped through the narrow gap and then they were all running pell mell down the tunnel of stone, the black oozing mass coming after them.

Kaelin felt all her hair stand up on end as she realized that she could hear it hissing after them, not the angry hiss of a snake or the hiss of breath, just a chemical hiss of solid matter being dissolved away. Ahead Thorian slipped over and yelped as he cracked his knee caps on the floor. Jeremiah would have simply leapt right over him and kept running but Ulrich stopped to help Thorian up and blocked his flight.

"Hurry! Hurry!" Jeremiah yelled, hands shoving and pushing as he stared back over his shoulder at the creeping sludge that inched ever closer, as unstoppable as a tide. Thorian scrambled at the floor, boots struggling to find traction and Kaelin's breath whistled short as she saw that the floor was as smooth and as slick as if it had been polished. She clenched her teeth to stop them chattering as the vile sludge oozed ever closer. For a second, a second, she thought she saw her Grandfather's wicked face in it, features distended and warped by the softening property of his new flesh but still leering at her with profane desire as he reached out a wave of blackened muscle to claim back his rightful property.

"Klu'gath'nath spare me! Have mercy!" Jeremiah cried out, apparently seeing something else in the rippling surface of the ooze. Then Thorian found his feet and they lurched as a single entity down the corridor, Jeremiah gabbling prayers for protection and deliverance as they went. He seemed the the only one who had breath to as the tunnel twisted back on itself, the ooze splashing up the wall as it rounded the corridor after them.

"I always knew you hated me father but didn't know you'd go this far," Ulrich gasped as they fled, elbows scrapping on the walls, slipping and sliding, bumping and bruising, the hissing, stinking mass at their heels all the time, scouring the floor smooth with its acid touch.

Finally, finally, as the tunnel swung to the left again, they started making space between them and the horror squirming along behind them, the black mass falling behind. As they burst out into the cave beyond the noise of its hissing finally receded back into the darkness before them and they stumbled to a halt, fighting to drag breath into their lungs. Even Thorian was shaking with the chill that affected them all.

"That was a meanie," he said, "That was the meaniest meanie ever!"

"Ugh, did anyone else think that they saw," Ulrich sniffed and straightened, "Saw someone who didn't treat them very well?"

"More like a monster who treated everyone as a play thing and a snack," Kaelin shuddered one more time and pulled herself up, "I think it might have been something about that thing. It was throwing our greatest fears at us, trying to make us panic, maybe make us fight each other to get away. If we'd lost it completely, if we'd fought each other, thrown each other under the wheels to get away, it could have had us all."

"A truly unpleasant possibility, my dear Kaelin, and I dare say you are right," Jeremiah tugged his robes back into position, "But thankfully it under estimated our friendship and loyalty for one another. Indeed we can count this as a grand victory over the forces that seek to divide us as drive us apart. As long as we stand together, there is nothing in these caverns that we need fear!"

"What ever you say old bean," Ulrich raised his eyebrows but found himself smiling at the same time. It was just such a beautiful day, perfect weather for the party in the garden. You almost had to wonder if the gods had blessed this day just for him.

"Can anyone else smell that?" Kaelin asked, wrinkling her nose most fetchingly. She really was quite adorable when she did that. When that little tip tilted nose wrinkled like that he just wanted to boop it gently and see if she would smile.

"Nothing more than fleshly mown grass my dear," he smiled, "The gardeners were hard at work this morning to make the gardens the best that they can be for the party."

The other three stared at him and Kaelin was so beautiful when she frowned.

"Er is his eyes supposed to be like that?" Thorian asked quietly.

"Somehow I really don't think so," Jeremiah admitted with a small smile, "I wonder what on Hestia could have brought this on."

"I'll give you three guesses," Kaelin turned and looked at the contents of the cavern.

"I have to admit that I've never been that good at... Hat come back here!" Jeremiah snapped as Hat lifted off his miter and went looping off through the cavern, his glowing trail lost amidst the slowly pulsing shine that fall from what was growing there.

"Well they're cool," Thorian nodded his head. Hat buzzed back, wings loaded with the glittering particles that were tumbling from the gills on the underside of the mushrooms huge caps. The giant, undead Moth rocked and shivered in the air, legs flapping in ungainly twitches and jerks.

"Hat, come here!" Jeremiah jabbed a finger at the point of his miter. Hat landed on top of one of the giant mushrooms that glowed a faint, glittering lime green and bounced, before waving his front legs at Jeremiah. If it was possible he had the biggest, buggiest grin on his face ever.

"Yes Admiral," Ulrich waved back, "The estate was in some of a state when I inherited it. My father, though he possessed many admirable traits such as appreciation for object de art, did not seem to believe in spending money on improvements to the grounds. I hope that, with the appropriate care, I will be able to improve the view of the landscape to some degree."

"Er, what is he talking about?" Thorian scratched his ear.

"It seems that our dear friend has some ambitions to inherit a large trait of land," Jeremiah explained, "And the delightful mushrooms in this place seem to have convinced his brain that his dreams have become reality."

"So you don't think that they would be good for eating?" Thorian asked, looking at a cluster of small yellowish ones.

"No, no definitely not," Jeremiah advised, "If just breathing in the spores are enough to send our friend off to happy land then I dread to think what eating them could do. Though if we experimented a little and did some discovering, then perhaps, just perhaps, we could discover something that would smooth our way to..." Jeremiah trailed off, a look of raw hunger passing across his features and it wasn't hunger for food.  Kaelin swallow through a suddenly dry throat. She'd seen that look far too many times. She'd seen it on her grandfather's face and her father hadn't been much better. Something moved in the shadows behind her and she span, fist striking out, not with a round house punch but a straight blow from the shoulder... that smashed through the pulpy stem of a mushroom and cracked her knuckles on the wall of the cavern. She yelled and cradled her bleeding knuckles to her chest, the pain driving the spores effects from her head.

"I would be careful with the roses, Kaelin," Ulrich advised, "Some of them can become a little bit frisky. I'm afraid a great Uncle used to be into experimental breeding and was trying to create a strain that would have self defense capabilities, for protection against aphids and that sort of thing. I believe that one of the gardeners actually quit after he lost his ring finger to one of them, though Aunt Em always seemed to get on with them quite well. Still Aunt Em once stood up in front of a rampaging Minotaur and made it ashamed of its behavior. I believe it guarded the main gate of her estate for many years after that, not that her husband always appreciated the jokes that went round after that, particularly as the youngest of my cousins was known for being bull headed."

"I can imagine," Kaelin forced her voice to be level, "Would you mind showing us your lovely estate? I'm sure I'll be delighted to see all the improvements you mean to make."

"Absolutely," Ulrich took her uninjured hand and tucked it though his arm, "This way. I'm sure you'll love the garden party, I've been planning this affair for months. If nothing else it is a way to make my half brother's absolutely green. Oh which, reminds me, I would love it if you could meet my little sister Priscilla. I know the name is an absolute monster but I think you'd get on like... like... well, iron and a lode stone. The rest of us will probably have to run and hide."

Thorian frowned, mouth flapping open. Kaelin waved at him with her injured hand and he thankfully got the idea that she meant he was supposed to lead the way through the swaying mushrooms. Hat tottered to the edge of the mushroom cap and fell off, bouncing with what suspiciously sounded like a squeak on to the one below, where upon he rolled down the next three and landed on the floor, sending a fountain of spores up into the air, where they fell in a sparkling curtain of rainbows that rippled and billowed across their path. The scent of vanilla filled their nostrils followed by the scent of summer strawberries.

Kaelin suppressed a sneeze as Ulrich prattled on about the people at the garden party that didn't exist, Jeremiah stumping along behind them. She managed to smile to please Ulrich and keep him moving but the edges of a headache ran clawed fingers through her hair, grinning with a beak full of teeth that were not made to reassure.

It turned out to be a good thing that Thorian was leading them as he pushed between two giant mushrooms that were a very interesting blue color with yellow dots, snapping one of them off in the process, causing the centipede that was grazing in the mushroom meadow beyond lifted its head, clicking a horror show mouth in his direction.

"Whoopee!" Thorian grinned and changed. The centipede reared back, mouth gaping wide, fangs spread wide to embrace its prey. Thorian leapt and his blade crashed down on the centipede's head, splitting it like a log from mandibles to the third body segment in one go. Its antennae went on flicking for a few moments and then fell still. Thorian kicked it off his blade.

"How's that?" he cried turning to the others.

Ulrich politely applauded as Thorian stretched up to tree top level and then tied himself into a very complicated pretzel for the entertainment of the guests. Turning he passed a polite comment to the Dowager Duchess of Esongard about where he found such entertainers these days.

"This is going to take for ever," Kaelin rubbed her eyes. That headache was beginning to push its talons into the back of her skull, its bony chin digging into her shoulder, "Jeremiah do you think that you could see about helping me get him out of here?"

Silence was the only replied.

"Jeremiah?" she turned, dreading what she was going to find. It wasn't quite as bad as she expected, not quite. Jeremiah was still there, which was the part that was better than she expected but he was grinning, a very fixed and horrible grin that was spreading across his face like a slow red tide.

"Uh oh!" Kaelin said and ducked on instinct.

Jeremiah drew himself up and thrust his hands forward.

"All bow to the might of Klu'gath'nath!" Jeremiah bellowed, spit flying from his lips, "All hail to the mightiest of the Heavenly host! The unbeatable! The unconquerable! The glory of the Heavens! The Celestial Triumphant! Give homage to Klu'gath'nath and beg that he spares you, you worthless fools!"  The froth was red tinged now, Jeremiah's gums bleeding with the force of that reality bending name.

The headache stabbed through Kaelin's skull and her vision doubled. She was on her knees and couldn't remember how she got there.

"Bow! Bow before the power of Klu'gath'nath and he may spare your miserable existence!" Jeremiah's pupils were blown wide open, dark and rippling power gathering around his hands, "Behold his glory and tremble!"

The power arched and slammed into the ground, the skeleton's erupting a second later, bones creaking and cracking with the power that was being forced into them.

"Thus shall we win glory!" Jeremiah continued ranting, "Thus shall we serve Klu'gath'nath! Only in our service to him to we have purpose! Only in our submission to his every will and decree do we have a right to exist! None are worthy! None are deserving of life unless it is to serve him with every heart and will and sinew! Wrenched and damned are those who refuse his decrees!"

Ulrich frowned when the cup of tea he raised to his lips was revealed to be empty. He frowned as he peered down. He could have sworn that the cup should have been half full. The cup wasn't there. He looked up to ask the Dowager Duchess to excuse him and she wasn't there either, instead a four foot high bright indigo mushroom with pink gills stood in her place. Ulrich shook his head, wondering how he'd suddenly been transported to this hole under the ground.

"Beg Klu'gath'nath for his forgiveness for your worthless existence!" Jeremiah ranted, "Beg that he may find some use for you so that you are not cast into the fire pit were he flings his rubbish!"

That name punched through the haze in Ulrich's head alright, that was a powerful counter to what ever spell had been caste on him, not that it seemed to be helping its utterer any. Jeremiah was swaying on the spot, dribbling at the edges as behind him seven skeletons gathered armloads of the brightest, most incandescent mushrooms that Ulrich had ever seen. Ulrich swallowed back a strange rising sensation in his stomach. All of a sudden he really didn't feel well. His stomach felt as if it was full of... rainbows, yes definitely rainbows. It really wasn't comfortable.

"Give eternal glory to Klu'gath'nath! Give him homage for your freedom! Known that without him you would be a food for the predators form the deeps! You would be nothing but food for those that slime and crawl in the depths, your memories would be as fodder for their appetite and hunger! Bow before your savior Klu'gath'nath!"

"Will someone stop him saying that name?" Thorian groaned. His face could not go green to show his distress, instead it had gone an awful shade of grey. Kaelin groaned in agreement where she knelt on the floor, arms wrapped over her head, the headache joyfully drilling into her brain. If the horrid thing would just let go of her nerves for a moment she might be able to think of a way to make Jeremiah shut up. She shuddered, just thinking that was enough to make the headache dig its claws in a little deeper.

Ulrich marched across to the frothing, bellowing priest and snatching his miter from his head, he stuffed it into Jeremiah's mouth. Not that the priest showed any signs of noticing, continuing to rant and rave at his imaginary captive audience but now the words where blessedly muffled by the cloth shoved between his teeth and that mind warping name was no longer audible.

Kaelin sighed as the headache released the pressure on her skull just slightly. Any relief was better than no relief at all.

"Oh that's better," Thorian rubbed his ears, restoring some of their green colour, "I don't know who's he's talking about but I wish he would stop it, it gives me the goosies."

"Yeah," Kaelin agreed as she stood, "Now can we get out of here? I have the burger all of a headache and I've have quite enough of breathing rainbows."

"Oh," Ulrich's face twisted, "Please don't mention rainbows."

"Have to admit that there doesn't seem to be any more friends round here so I'm happy to go," Thorian nodded and turned towards the exist to the right of where they had come in, although in this cavern it was difficult to tell. "You coming?" he asked as Kaelin didn't immediately follow.

"How are we going to move him?" she asked, gesturing to where Jeremiah stood, his miter gradually becoming some what soggy as he dribbled through it.

"Thorian old boy, help me with this would you?" Ulrich walked up behind Jeremiah and laid his hands on the priest's shoulders. Jeremiah didn't resist, nor seem to really notice, his pupils were that wide open his eyes appeared to be completely black.

"Grab his shoulders," Ulrich instructed as Thorian walked over and once the orc crossbreed had done so Ulrich hooked Jeremiah's feet out from under him. "Steady as he goes," Ulrich smiled as they lower Jeremiah over on to his side, "Now then."

With that Ulrich started rolling Jeremiah over the floor towards the tunnel entrance, whistling as he went, while Jeremiah bumped and bounced, not unlike a rather large butter barrel. Thorian marched along beside them, singing a rollicking song about moving ale casks and the drinking that followed. The orc crossbreeds eyes were beginning to dilate but he seemed to have merely become as high as kite. With a sigh of relief Kaelin stumbled after them, little lights flickering at the edge of her vision. Hat crawled along at the back of the group, wings buzzing ineffectively at the ground, his sense of direction not entirely steady.

Jeremiah rolled and bowled along the tunnel until, with a final shove from Ulrich he bounced down into the next cavern, a small rather plain affair of bare brown stone. Jeremiah lay there upon his back for several minutes as Thorian bounced around the cave, body literally buzzing with excess energy, then quite suddenly Jeremiah sat up, mumbled for a moment and then spat his miter out.

"Just who was it that thought it was a brilliant idea to shove that in my mouth?" he demanded, "If you have stained the fabric then I am going to be very upset!"

"Who thought it was a brilliant idea to go on a full on radical preacher and start denouncing such little things like, oh I don't know, try breathing without your God's permission?" Ulrich folded his arms and lent back against the wall of the cavern wall.

"Not to mention using a name, word, whatever it was, that nearly makes everyone's ears bleed," Kaelin groused, massaging her skull and then gasped with relief as her headache suddenly went pop and vanished, giving her an almost light headed feeling and the relief in her neck! She gingerly moved her head around to make sure that the little beast wasn't going to latch on to her again.

"My dear Kaelin," Jeremiah smiled, "You should know that there is no such word in existence. Words are only methods of communication."

"Says the man who's lips are bleeding right now," Ulrich grinned and then staggered, hands clutching his head.

"Hey up, you alright?" Thorian asked, his bouncing slowly coming to a stop.

"Agh, no, not really!" Ulrich groaned, "Feels as if my brain is being rung out through my ears. Is that even physically possible?"

"I guess that karma is telling you that ruining someones hat is a..." Jeremiah climbed to his feet and stopped, a pained whimper escaping him after a moment. It wasn't just his brain being rug out, it was his whole body and Jeremiah had a lot of body to be rung. He panted harshly and sweat broke out over his forehead, trickling down his face.

"That and what are you going to do about your little friends?" Kaelin asked, jabbing a thumb back down the tunnel they had just escaped from.

An inarticulate noise escaped Jeremiah's throat.

"I said, what about your friends?" Kaelin asked again.

Jeremiah's replied wasn't made up of words, more little proto words that existed before words had evolved.

"Gargh.... Nargh... Hargh," he managed to get out and then some how managed to turn and look back up the tunnel.

Four skeletons trooped along, baring armloads of mushrooms, their faint glow lighting up the bones that held them. The drunken Hat only just managed to scuttle out of the way of their clicking feet. Behind them three skeletons staggered under the weight of a mushroom taller than they were. As the party watched the cap began tilting back and forth.

"Parght... hittttt.... clown," Jeremiah instructed, still sweating cobs. The mushroom swayed and swayed again, osculating back and forth across the tunnel, dragging the skeletons that were trying to hold it up in its wake.

"I said, put it down," Jeremiah tried again... too late.

The mushroom swayed, the mushroom quivered, the mushroom fell. The noise could only be described as sploosh!

Mushroom splashed across the floor, the walls, even the ceiling, drenching the three luckless skeletons and splattering their companions.

Kaelin snorted, Ulrich suppressed a snigger and Thorian out right laughed. With a growl of annoyance Jeremiah snapped his fingers and the three skeletons crumbled into dust, or rather gloop. He swung his pack off his back and dug through it to find a sack. Swinging the patch back on to his back, he advanced on the skeletons and held the sack open. Without a word the skeletons deposited their burdens into the sack. Jeremiah snapped his fingers once more and they crumbled into dust. He yanked the drawstring closed and turned to his still smiling companions. Even Kaelin wasn't as sulky as she usually looked.

"And what, may I ask, is so funny?" Jeremiah demanded.

"Nothing, Jerry, nothing at all," Ulrich said absolutely straight faced.