Draconic Shenanigans Episode 3

Right, nothing to really report on the life or career side so straight into the episode:-

Chapter Three: Of Spiders and Money

Thorian Vandervast woke up and wished he hadn't. Somehow in the night a miniature giant space dwarf had crawled up his nose and was now busily trying to mine its way out through the top of his head. Somehow he eventually dragged himself to the vertical, on his feet position and made his way downstairs. Well, he tried to but the stairs were in a mean mood that morning and turned into a slide part way down, a slide that was some how still as bumpy as the set of steps he'd originally been walking on. He landed on his backside in the taproom and sat there for several minutes, head in hands, wondering if there was anyone around that he could ask to gently remove his head. He'd been able to think much more clearly without this throbbing lump on the end of his neck.

A noise that matched time with the dwarf in his skull eventually made him look up. The statue armour thing that had been in the King's study was standing by the bar, slowly drumming a set of claws on the wooden top. Seeing that it had Thorian's complete and utter agonized attention it slid a large glass of bubbling something down the bar top towards him.

"Drink it," it advised, "It will help with your... trouble."

Thorian had a long discussion with his arms and legs as they seemed to be having interesting times with understanding which ones of them should be on the floor and which hanging by his sides but he did manage to pick up the glass without spilling or breaking it. The taste was almost as good as the stuff he'd drank last night, the effect....

Thorian felt his stomach do a flip flop into an icicle, a bucket of scalding hot water was dumped over his head and his ears were wrung out sideways. When his sight settled back into the colours he was expecting the armour statue regarded him with intrigue.

"Not many can go through that without shouting a rainbow at the floor," it observed, "You might just get through the coming days in one piece."

"Just what was in that?" Thorian demanded.

"A little of this, a little of that," it shrugged non-noncommittally, "A few suggestions I picked up in my travels and even a hair of the dog that bit you last night."

"I wasn't bit by no dog," Thorian still swayed a little as the floor shifted ever so slightly.

"It means that there was a trace of the stuff you drank last night in it," the light in the statue armour's sea green glass eyes moved as if it was rolling them ever so slightly, "Nothing as strong as the usual 'cures' for such a... problem but enough of a tincture to get the job done."

"Oh right, thanks," Thorian frowned, "Where, where are all my friends? They don't seem to be here."

"Your... friends had to leave in something of a hurry this morning," the armour statue observed, "One of them particularly has managed to upset a lot of people." It tipped its head sideways as if listening. Thorian did the same and after a moment picked up the sounds of a lot of people who sounded some what upset outside the inn.

"Sounds like they are beginning to organize themselves so if I were you I'd leave by the back door and soon," it pointed, "They might be a little indiscriminate about who they hurt right now."

"Oh great," Thorian observed, "Just when I think I've found some place where people actually like me, someone has to go a muck it up. Wonder how they did that, it's not like they had orc parents. Oh well, guess its not much different to what I'm used to. Thanks for your help." He turned and staggered across the tap room towards the door the armour statue had pointed out. The floor decided to be even more unsteady than it already was and the tables were definitely in a tricky mood, jumping in and out of his way as he tried to reach the door.

"Oh, oh that's something," he turned at the door to find the armour statue had followed him, "Which way did my friends go?"

"That way," the armour statue pointed down the road, "With some," it coughed, "Hast."

"Ah right," Thorian nodded, "Thanks again."

"You are welcome," it said, "For now at least, your safety is my priority."

Stepping out into the early morning sunshine and fresh air made the road settle in to place and as Thorian stepping out with a swinging gait the hedges slowly stopped swaying in and out. By the time the Pointy Hat Inn had disappeared behind him he felt cheerful enough to pick up the pace to a jog.

Some distance ahead on the road, Kaelin and Jeremiah were dozing in the back of the wagon, content to let Ulrich do the walking and not bothering to watch the forest slide pass on either side of them. The horses suddenly jerked in the traces, whinnying in fright.

"What's the matter, hey?" Ulrich said soothingly, laying a hand on the nearest one's neck, "What's the matt...." He saw the cluster of eight eyes watching him avidly from out of the tree tops and realized that what he had assumed to be ground mist was too high up and about too late in the day for ground mist.

With a yell, he swung up into the driver's seat and slapped the reigns down on the horses' rumps. The wagon jumped forward, jolting Kaelin awake. She sat up with an oath and a hand ready to slap Ulrich across the back of the head, then saw the first of the scuttling shapes clawing their eight legs out onto the road. Her howling yell made the horses leap forward, screaming as they did so... and the wagon crashed into the ditch. Jeremiah grunted as his bulk slammed into the boards behind the driver's seat. He blinked awake as the sound of bubbling, cracking bones sounded through the air, then he screamed as a spider the size of a dog scrabbled its way into the wagon and fastened its fangs into his boot.

Kaelin leapt at the spider climbing up beside the first and her jaws closed with a liquid crunch just behind its eyes. All its legs went into spasm and Kaelin fell back spitting with disgusting. Leaving the bucking, rearing horses' in the traces, Ulrich swung down to the road, brandishing his two falchions. The spider facing him was too fast for him to land a blow but it seemed to be dazzled by the flickers of light along the blades. However the ones behind it weren't.

Jeremiah squealed, his free boot kicking at the eyes of the spider that was determinedly chewing on his boot. Kaelin snarled as two more charged her, her spring crushing one beneath her weigh, the other biting at her but only grabbing a mouthful of boot leather for its trouble. Ulrich's blades swung in tight arches as the spiders before him squawled as their legs left their bodies.

Jeremiah finally smashed his heel through the eyes of the spider chewing on his boot. With a last gargle it toppled off the back of the wagon. Kaelin's fangs crushed through the abdomen of the spider trying to disentangle its fangs from the boot leather it had pulled from her. Ulrich impaled the spider that tried to drop on him from the trees.

Kaelin looked round, mouth matted with thick yellow spider blood and saw the bushes sway as more forms scuttled towards them. Jeremiah stood up, his face thunderous and thrust his hand towards the spiders, a stream of words that made Kaelin's hair stand up on end making the trees bend away from him. The spiders fell back, legs jerking and a chilling click clacking coming from their fangs, palps waving in the air. Their eyes were rolling and they swirled round each other, chittering in something that could have been their own form of language. 

Ulrich dropped back, reaching for the horses reins, then the spiders surged forward again. Ulrich's blades shredded one but he swallowed with a dry mouth as he saw just the sheer numbers scuttling towards them.

"Hey! Wait for me!" a voice bellowed.  Kaelin looked up from pulling the fangs out of the face of a spider to see Thorian crash into the side of the swarm of spiders, sword cleaving one clean in two.

"It's Thorian Time!" the orc cross breed bellowed, blade whirling round him like a wind mill in a hurricane. Kaelin grinned and then her fangs bit down on the top of another spider's head. Jeremiah's mace came down like the wroth of God and smashed another spider into the floor. Ulrich diced two into flying fragments just before Thorian sheered through the last. While the orc cross breed whooped to the sky, Ulrich dropped his blades and grabbed the horses' reins and began the difficult job of calming the beasts down.

"That was a nice little fight," Thorian grinned as he cleaned off his sword.

"Wish I could agree with you," Jeremiah looked at the bespattered mace with disgust then a thoughtful expression crossed his face. He looked round and waved Kaelin away from the spider she was straddling as her bones realigned themselves. She stood and stepped back as Jeremiah began to gesture and mutter a string of blistering words. The shadows twisted and turned and then they were more than just shadows, threads of glowing power weaving themselves through the twisting skeins of darkness. The non-shadows writhed around the spider's broken form and then poured in through its fangs, flooding down its gullet. A heart beat after the last of the shadows were sucked into the spider's body, it twitched. Its eyes blinked with a hair raising, pale bluish green glow, then its legs rearranged themselves so that it stood at Jeremiah's feet, vibrating slightly.

"Isn't he brilliant," Jeremiah beamed, "First time I've had the chance to try that spell. Now it was a nice little fight."

"Er, it has a hole in its head," Thorian stated the obvious.

"And I think I can still taste its brains," Kaelin picked at her teeth.

"But he's perfect," Jeremiah beamed, "Completely loyal and perfectly obedient. Here watch. Get in the wagon and sit where no one can see you." The spider twitched, turned a half circle counter clockwise, did a quarter circle clockwise and then scuttled over to the back of the wagon, climbing jerkily over the tailgate and crouched down out of sight.

"It has a hole in its head," Thorian said again.

"As I said, completely loyal and perfectly obedient," Jeremiah continued beaming.

"It has a hole in its head," Thorian said.

"Details, details," Jeremiah waved his hand before addressing his new pet, "Now you just sit there and don't move until you are told to."

"It has a hole in its head," Thorian said again.

"Be that as it may," Ulrich called as he continued to sooth the horses, "But could I have a hand putting this wagon back on the road?"

"Sure thing," Thorian walked up to the side of the wagon, picked the whole thing up, lifted it over his head and put it down on the road, "How's that?"

After a moment Kaelin managed to stop displaying her tonsils to the world, Jeremiah stopped blinking as he accepted what he had just seen and Ulrich stood frozen, gazing at where the dazed horses blinked in the shafts, as if even they wondered just how the world had been rewritten. What broke the moment was when the top most pair of blue-green glowing eyes very slowly rose over the edge of the tail gate as if even the undead spider could not quite believe what had just happened.

"Yes," Ulrich said slowly, picking up his swords and cleaning them, "I think that will do just fine."

"Don't suppose you know how to drive this thing by any chance?" Kaelin asked.

"Of course I can," Thorian beamed, "Who doesn't know how to drive on of these?"

"You mean other than Kaelin?" Ulrich muttered as he climbed into the back of the wagon. Kaelin's look was flatly unfriendly. "What?" Ulrich asked with an innocent smile. Thorian settled himself in the driver's seat, picked up the reins... and promptly drove the wagon into the ditch.

Jeremiah brought his knees up to his chest, folded his arms round them and hid his face in their mud spattered sleeves. His shoulders shook and muffled noises came from him.

"Are you?" Ulrich asked after a moment, "Are you okay?" Jeremiah waved him away, revealing that his was trying, and failing, not to laugh.

"Anyone can drive one of these things," he gasped out round his merriment, "Anyone can drive one of these thing. Well, if that's true shall we have Scuttlebug here try?" He patted the part of the spider's head that was still there.

"Details, details," Thorian grumbled as he swung down to the road, "I didn't say I'd get it right first time." He lifted the front of the wagon and pulled it back on to the road, "These things take a bit of getting used to. They all drive differently, thought I do say that you could have bought on that didn't have a half broken axle." He swung back into the driver's seat and gathered the reins again.

"I believe we did," Kaelin smiled at Ulrich, "But someone was insistent that he palm off the work of driving to someone 'more suitable' even though said 'suitable' person told him openly that the only thing she knows about horses is that they make good eating."

Ulrich grandly ignored her, pretending not to hear Thorian's comments about 'stupid things to do'. The clop-clop of the horses hooves became a rhythmic music that even made Ulrich relax, despite the large, hairy eight legged 'pet' that now shared the wagon bed with them. There was a little moment when the wagon slipped on the bridge over the small creek but Thorian managed to recover it and once they were on the other side, Kaelin managed to pry her fingernails out of the wood of the side of the wagon.

Beyond the creek the woods gradually peeled back to reveal, glimmering in the distance, the high walls of a many towered curtain wall and the double gate in  the wall facing them.

"Wow," Thorian slowed the wagon a moment, eyes wide as he gazed at the sight, "And I thought the walls of the King's place were big. Just how do you get giants to make you a place like that?"

"Actually it was built by people like us," Ulrich puffed out his chest.

"Don't be daft," Thorian brushed that aside, "There's no way little people like us could lob rocks that high. You'd have to be crazy to believe that. That King has got to have some really magic to get giants working for him. There again, if he can make a statue alive then he must be a really great wizzard."

"You know something," Jeremiah observed, "I never considered that. I wonder..."

There was a speculative look in his eyes as the wagon rolled down the road towards Lotton  but as they drew close to the towering walls, he looked around and then told 'Scuttlebug' to make himself as small as possible and hold still before flipping the edge of his robe over the balled up spider so that it looked more like the back end of a very round and shaggy grey dog sleeping under the edge of its masters robe.  As they drew up the southern entrance of the double gate one of the guards stepped out into the road and held up his hand.

"Is anything the matter Sir?" Thorian pulled the horses to a gentle stop.  The guard ran an eye over the party.

"Orc child," he noted, "A chap who looks like a noble, a priest and a..." Kaelin looked with flat unfriendliness at him, "Young women. Let me guess, another of the King's Special Teams."

"How did you guess," Thorian smiled.

"Had a group of you specials come through about two weeks back," he shrugged and rubbed his nose, "Didn't think that they'd come back this way and if your here then I guess his Majesty didn't like their report or they didn't make it back be any other route. My betting would be that they didn't make it back."

"Why would that be, my good man?" Jeremiah asked with a friendly smile.

"Lake traveling has got real interesting this year," the guard stretched and yawned, "Wish whatever it was would hurry up and shove off. With all these bored sailors hanging around and the merchants beginning to scream about the cut in their profits, we've all been pulling double shifts. Not sure I'm going to be good for anything if it goes up to triple shifts." He yawned again.

"Have the sailors been saying what it is that has been causing all the disruption?" Ulrich asked.

"Dis-what?" the guard blinked, "Oh, you mean all the po-lother. Could tell you were a noble. It shows with fancy language like that. Well the tavern talk down water side is that the ships are being attacked by a kraken. Ruddy sailors must think all us landlubbers are blooming idiots. Everyone know that Krakens are salt water beasts. I'm not saying that the lake inside big enough and deep enough to have a few monsters but its sweet water all the way, not a drop of salt in it. It would be a blinking strange kraken to be here. Any way, keep yourselves out of trouble while you're in town and shift on out on whatever job you have as soon as possible, alright?"

"I assure you that is exactly what we plan to do," Jeremiah said soothingly.

"Speaking of to that end," Ulrich interrupted, "What are the roads like to Nether Wallop?"

The guard laughed.

"Knew you were a King's Special," he slapped his thigh and then yawned again, "And the answer is that there aren't any, not direct to Nether Wallop. Oh there are some roads to the southern farms but the land gets too wild and broken close to the Piddle River. There are always a few back woodsy types that believe they'll find their own piece of heaven in that place but the roads won't take a wagon and you'd be hard pressed to get a cart through. Nah, if you want to get to Nether Wallop, it will be by boat or by foot and good luck to yah."

"In that case is there any place that would buy the wagon and horses from us?" Ulrich asked, "I don't think we have the money to have them loaded on to a boat."

"It will be ships around here unless you want to be carrying your teeth in your hat," the guard said sourly, "We may not be as fancy as the capital or those rich fops at Snittering but we are the biggest town on the shores of the big lake and our harbour takes proper draft ships, not some piddling boats. As for the rest well," he yawned again, "Try Sweetie Robb's Emporium. He deals in horses so start there."

"What about food?" Kaelin asked bluntly.

"Try the Taverns or there's Dippler's Pie Shop just before the square, just keep going straight and look right as you find the cobble stones. Now, if you don't mind, shift your backsides, you're holding up the show," he waved them into the town, yawning as he did so.

Thorian tapped the horses with the reins and the cart jolted forward.

"Don't know about you lot but I'm hungry," he said over his shoulder as he steered them through the crowd. The cart bumped over the road surface until, with a jolt it started rumbling. Ulrich kept watching the shops as they rolled passed. The ones near the gate all seemed to deal in the stuff that a traveler would need as if trying to tease in the customers just before they left the city.

"Here we are," Thorian reined in the horses. The smell of something savory and hot wafted out of the shop door as Thorian swung down from the drivers seat and pushed it open, "Hello the house, any one here?"

A small and rather weaselly loving character popped up from behind the counter.

"That would be me, Dippler of Dippler's Pie Shop at your service and what can I do for you," his accent was strange and rather big city, completing the picture started by his battered red velvet top hat and polka dot neck tie.

"Well for starters what you give me for the couple of horses I've got parked up outside?" Thorian jabbed his thumb over his shoulder.

"Oh sweet lord," Dippler slapped his forehead, "When are people going to get used to the idea that I don't deal in the livestock any more? Listen buddy, I don't buy or sell the meat while it is still breathing, alright? You take it along to the horse dealer down the street, okay? That's mah mate Sweetie Rod, you see? You sell your pound of horse flesh to him and then yah bring yah specy back up here and I'll sell you the pies, alright? Wal-a-wall, everyone happy alright?"

"And let me guess," Ulrich said from the doorway, "Your friend Sweetie Rod sells you the meat when its all dead and cleaned?"

"You betcha and not horse either. He deals in other live stock besides horses, yah know," Dippler grinned, showing a mouthful of small but sharp looking teeth, "Yeash! Anyone would think I was still wandering around with my little tray selling meat rolls. Trust me, those days of having to get my hands dirty are all gone trust me."

"So we should take the horses to yeh friend?" Thorian asked again.

"As I said, just down the street toward the gate, you must have missed it if you came in from the country side," Dippler looked out of the window, "Oh and if you are selling the horses you might as well, ditch the wagon with Hognails the carter. He's just opposite mah mate. Now toddle on with yah, I've got work to do." He waved them out of the shop.

Outside, Ulrich was already leading the horses round by their reins rather than try to turn them  by driving them so by the time Thorian was back in the driving seat the cart was facing the right way. The trip back down the road wasn't that long and when they pulled up outside Hognails Wheels and Wagons Ulrich rapped sharply on the door.

"Alright, alright," a gruff voice called from inside, "Keep you hair on." A dwarf with burly arms and a dark tan beard opened the door and looked up at Ulrich, "And what are you wanting?"

"Well good sir, I'd like to inquire if you would be so good as to take this cart off our hands?" Ulrich doffed his non-existent hat. The dwarf grumped and had a look at the cart.

"Fair wheels," he noted, "Good joinery work on the sides though its been roughed up a little and that front axle is fair shot to the void. I'll give you ten gold for it."

"Ten gold?" Ulrich exclaimed, "When that good wagon has rescued us from bandits, spiders and all sorts of horrors on the journey? Good sir, I wouldn't part with it for less than fifty."

"Oh don't carry on, you silly toff," Hognails scoffed, "It's a wagon, not your first born and as for the 'horrors' of the journey, I bet most of what it saved you from was sore feet. Fifteen."

Kaelin rolled her eyes and lay back for the moment wondering if the haggling would take all day or if they wouldn't sell the wagon at all but eventually hands were shaken on twenty seven gold, the horses unhitched and Hognails yelled from a couple of his apprentices to wheel it round the back. It was only after it was out of the way that Kaelin realized that Jeremiah's new pet was no where to be seen. Then she looked more closely at him and realized that the front of his robes were even more rotund than usually. She opened her mouth but words utterly failed her and she turned her back on him.

"Please tell me that you haven't...." Ulrich said in a sick voice.

"Well, where else was I supposed to hide him," Jeremiah asked and quickly followed Thorian as the orc crossbreed led the horses across the street. Thorian opened the door to Sweety Rod's Emporium, reins still him his hands to be greeted by the yell of "livestock round the back!"

"Oh alright," he called out with a grin and backed out. He led the horses round the side of the small L-shaped building to the extremely large gate set in the angle of the L. He pounded on it for a few moments, ignoring the argument between Ulrich and Jeremiah about the advisability of having your pets literally stuffed up your jumper.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," a voice called sharply and the noise of several large bolts being drawn back sounded out, "Just because you were born in a barn doesn't mean that you have to act like it!"

"Actually I think I was born in a cave," Thorian smiled pleasantly at the thin man with the shock of greying hair.

"Forgive my greenish friend," Ulrich pushed passed Thoriah, holding out his hand to the man who's cheek had started to twitch. He received a rather clammy handshake for his troubles. "But we have these two fine beasts for sale as horses are going to be something of a liability where we are headed. What would you care to offer us for them?"

As the man looked over the horses his nervous ticks all settled down.

"Teeth are good," he noted, "Hooves could do with a look by a farrier but they have good condition for all they have been run hard by someone who didn't know what they were doing. Ten gold each."

"Ridiculous," Ulrich shook his head, "I won't take less than forty each."

The bartering was quick and sharp and wrapped up with Sweetie handing over twenty gold for each horse.

"I only did it 'cause you look like a couple of days rest will bring your condition back up," he explained to the horses as he lead them inside the yard of his shop, "Not like that old nacker I was sold yesterday. The only thing he was good for was p.... peasant work." His words stumbled as if he'd self corrected before saying something he shouldn't do. With a guilty look back he swiftly swung the yard gate shut and Kaelin could hear the heavy bolts being dragged back into place.

"Well, I think we deserve a got nosh and maybe a pint before we try and find our way closer to Nether Wallop," Ulrich turned to leave and found his way blocked by Kaelin who had her hand out. "What dear friend?" Ulrich smiled disarmingly. Kaelin just raised her eyebrows at him.

"I think our rather toothsome friend means that you should divide the spoils between us," Jeremiah observed.

"What spoils?" Ulrich opened his hands wide.

"The money," Thorian loomed over him, a unhappy look appearing on his face, "You wouldn't be trying to keep it all, would you? It would make me very sad if you were trying to keep it all."

"Would I do such a thing, friend?" Ulrich asked with a look of open innocence on his face.

"Well I don't see any money in my hand," Thorian pointed out.

"We could always turn him upside down and shake him to see what falls out," Kaelin suggested.

"Now Kaelin I can assure you..." Ulrich started.

"Good idea," Thorian grinned and before Ulrich could shout he found himself dangling upside down by one ankle being briskly shaken.  However, the rattling had not shifted any of his weapons and Thorian looked down at a cold touch to find a dagger pointed at a rather personal area of himself.

"Either you put me down slowly," Ulrich said, "Or you won't be making any little orclets in the future."

"And you said you were my friend," Thorian pouted. Kaelin sidled up to Ulrich with a skill Jeremiah admired and was turning away again when Thorian's other hand shot out and picked her up by the back of her collar. "And that was stealing," Thorian boomed. Ulrich forgot about threatening Thorian's prowess with the ladies and started checking his pockets, a look of complete shock growing in his eyes as he realized that his pockets had lost some of their contents. 

"Friends, friends," Jeremiah smiled, "I'm sure that we could settle this without violence. After all, if say Ulrich gives half of what he has left in his pockets to Thorian and Kaelin gives half to me then it should all be equal. How about that?"

"Don't count on it," Kaelin said flatly.

"I don't," Jeremiah smiled and then tucked his chin down towards his chest and hidden in his beard, his lips moved. His robes moved as if a dozen snakes writhed underneath it and then he seemed to grow eight extra hairy grey legs. Scuttlebug moved out from under the robes hem, scrambling towards Kaelin with a fixed look in its many glowing eyes. Kaelin snarled, a snarl that seemed to go on and on in unnatural ways. Scuttlebug slowed to a stop and then one leg lifted to carefully dab around the hole in its head as if it was remembering how that injury had come to be there. Kaelin snarled again and Scuttlebug whipped round and scuttled back behind Jeremiah's legs with the look of a dog that had its tail between its legs.

"Ah," Jeremiah sighed, "I suppose that rather puts a dampener on that idea. Alright, how about a compromise? Ulrich and Kaelin keep the money they now have but on the condition Ulrich buys Thorian lunch and Kaelin buys me lunch. Does that sound better?"

Thorian's face screwed up with the effort.

"I think that could work," he said at last, "But don't buy me a smaller portion alright?" He lowered Ulrich to the cobbles without dropping him so Ulrich rolled to his feet and started pulling his clothes straight.

"And you Kaelin?" Jeremiah smiled at her.  Her sullen expression didn't change.

"Alright," she grudged, "But don't get any funny ideas."

"My dear Kaelin," Jeremiah smiled even wider, "I think it is too late for that, I think I have already made it my life's work to make you smile."

"You can't," Kaelin stated, "The bastard is already dead." She turned away.